If i knew what i had the license to,

Breaking up with habit

Habits are my home. At home, I wear the child habit. At school I used to wear the student habit. To a stranger, a welcome habit. To a debater, another debater habit. 

To textbooks, I wear procrastination habit. While to Wattpad books,epubs, manhwa,manga online world, I wear addiction habit. 

Habits are many in me. I am poly-habito-phile.

We have been entwined since birth, sometimes from an early age, sometimes as an aftermath of certain experiences. In short we are one. 

Some habits of mine are like toxic lovers. You know the classic endless loop of love-hate? The spiral never ends. Even Alice through the looking glass would have gaped and be aghast. 'Cause unlike a physical spiraling down of the rabbit hole, this particular habit stays. And it's not like people would tell me off to a drug rehab since this drug is unseen. A myth under scientific scrutiny. 

This habit that I'm speaking of, let's name it 24 shall we?

24 isn't a myth, one of its avatar is seen in my emotions of euphoria. I love 24 to bits. There are times when 24 was the only thing that kept me going, that kept me from thinking of lonesome thoughts. Through 24 I entered into a dimension, a dimension of unruly, wild and chaos-ness. Through 24 I found there were little flecks of magical dust floating everywhere, even-  

Even in

Even in times without light. Even in boredom. Even when I felt like i reached a dead end. Even in my melancholy. Even when i feel life starts complaining to me that its meaningless. 

Now you might be thinking, that's all dandy, then why hate 24? 

24 makes me unhinged and free. 

But too much of it? 

It spoils me. Like being drunk-ophile. Cause essentially I'm zoning out. I'm escaping pain.
It makes me lazy. It stopped my industrious-ness.
It made me change my words.  It made me inconsistent human being.
By the way, did you say commitment? No, I've never heard of it, or if I did, I'll pretend to be deaf. I was constantly changing, what a kaleidoscope of swift indecisions! 

I got to break up with you 24. I hate you and I love you. I hate this vicious cycle of me being incompetent to myself. 

Without you I know, I'll need to face pain brutally. I'll start to be a hard-on-self robot. 

I so much wanna break up with you, oh habit #24 . I look forward to seeing you as my ex. ffs.

But i keep remembering you. Its been ages since i never knew you before! I am a child blind in darkness without you. So many years of being with you, made me so reliant on you and if i imagine of a life without you? I feel like incomplete.

Did I break up with a human or my habit of being with a human? 

Did i  try to deceive myself into thinking i broke up while never wanting to move on?