d-i-a-r-y

| • chapter - fears • |

~ it is scary .
scary to get hurt repeatedly .
but this fear , is it that bad ?
is this fear stopping me from achieving what i truly deserve ? or is it just protecting my peace ?
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i tend to lose things , lose people , lose opportunities ;
because im scared of feeling hurt again . it makes me feel better to just leave everything altogether . it fills me with a satisfaction that it is all over . i am not sure why the fear is filled in all of my veins like the blood that flows in my entire body . the fear stops me from trusting people , giving them chances , accepting them , loving them , forgiving them . it stops me from trying new things , doing the things that i like doing , wanting the things that i should be getting .
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but this fear might be a guiding light protecting my peace of mind , helping me avoid the unwanted situations , the unwanted stress , the unwanted immense excruciating pain . it might be the force asking me to step back and not to get involved with things that are only meant to break apart . whether this fear is good or bad , it makes me who i am . its right or wrong , i just dont know the answer to that . maybe someday i will find out .
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but yeah if i want to fight my fears , i have to attend to my fears first . i have to address them , accept them , and then slowly try to overcome them one by one . i once heard a person say " best way to overcome fear , is to trample it beneath your foot ". i know it is easier said than done . but with practice and courage , i can surely attain this .
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you say that i should not let people decide the things for me . i should not let them change my perspective about things . that i should not let them make me hate the things that i like doing . that i should not let them make me quit things , quit life . but you do not know that it is not the people , it is my fear . the fear that is build up inside of me ever since i knew this life . but i will fight my fear one day . or atleast i will try to fight it . will someday make you proud . will someday face all those people i left behind because i was scared of the hurt , both giving and receiving .
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until then im just going to live strong with this fear inside me . it might make me all lonely . but i will have you with me always whether in the name of memories , or in the name of words on my book . ~