Out of the Blue

Chapter 21

I never felt so conflicted in my life, not even as a child when I asked for Caroline to be removed as my adoptive mother. I knew exactly what I wanted then because my feelings were clear. I wished to have that same clarity now, but I struggled to make any decisions.

I couldn't talk to my dad. Sascha was grumpy with me. Sawyer wasn't an option, obviously. Besides them, I didn't have anyone else to go to for advice.

Of course, there was always Justin. We had become friends over the past couple of months, but I'd already ruined that. Talking to him about my feelings was also tricky, seeing as he was the cause of my confliction.

I'd eventually replied to his message on the weekend, but I could tell he wasn't happy with my responses, which had been few and far between. I didn't know what to say to him when he asked if we were okay, or when he tried to make me smile with our usual banter.

Things were different now, and it was my fault.

Maybe that's why I sat outside by the soccer field, even though it was overcast and chilly, instead of waiting for Justin in the café like I did every Tuesday. I wanted to see him, and I knew we should talk, but I was also petrified of what might happen.

Naturally, fate had its own plans.

I sat alone on a bench surrounded by textbooks. I'd been studying, or at least trying to, but I'd lost concentration. My mind kept wandering back to Friday night and the intensity on the dance floor. To the following morning in Justin's living room. Then to Sawyer's disappointed expression. Did I do the right thing, or was it all a huge mistake?

I'd sunk deep into my own mind when Justin walked into my line of sight, no doubt on his way to the café. He didn't see me until the last corner on the path. He paused, and it was like the moment of truth. Would he approach or keep walking?

My heart swelled in my throat as it waited for him to decide.

I moved my books from the bench to my lap as he wandered over, the empty seat a clear offering. Justin sat down, elbows resting on his knees, eyes wandering over the happenings on the field rather than me. Neither of us spoke.

Eventually, the silence was too much. If he wouldn't look at me, I needed to hear his voice. "No coffee today?" I joked weakly, forcing a smile. Inside, my heart beat in overdrive.

He took his time responding, and when he did, he titled his head toward me but those gorgeous blues stayed away. "I wasn't sure you wanted to see me."

I fiddled with the ribbon on my diary. "That's fair." I'd been ignoring him for days, so his doubt was justified.

Justin leant back against the bench. "Seeing how awkward things have become, I think we should talk about what happened."

"You're probably right," I agreed, eyes still on the ribbon.

"Do you regret it?" he asked, a hint of worry in his tone.

"No." In the moment, I enjoyed what happened between us. It felt right then, and even though I had other thoughts about it now, I couldn't regret kissing him.

"But it's weird."

I nodded. "Kind of."

Justin finally turned to me. "Would things be better if we hadn't?"

I thought about it for a moment. If we hadn't kissed, we wouldn't be having this awkward conversation. If we hadn't kissed, I wouldn't have let Sawyer go. If we hadn't kissed, I wouldn't have known how good it felt to be in his arms. If we hadn't kissed, nothing would have changed.

"I don't know," I said, glancing down. Now that he was facing me, I couldn't look him in the eye. What was wrong with me?

"If you don't regret it, then how can you not know? It's a yes or no question." His frustration was clear.