||Wattys 2022 Shortlist||
Kian Advani was a closeted queer in his high school. Always in denial of his true feelings and emotions. So much so that he did everything to blend in with the rest of the straight crowd. But that didn't mean he wasn't att...
ओह! यह छवि हमारे सामग्री दिशानिर्देशों का पालन नहीं करती है। प्रकाशन जारी रखने के लिए, कृपया इसे हटा दें या कोई भिन्न छवि अपलोड करें।
Next two days were a blur of classrooms and tests and people ordering him around for their choice of coffee but Kian was merely existing as a robot.
He was living in his head the whole time.
A part of him bounced between feeling guilty for sleeping with Chris and later showing his back to him, to feeling sick for falling into a haze of weed and liquor, to feeling the need to be with Enzo. He wanted to call him or meet him. He wanted to apologize for the kiss. The first one and the second one. He wanted to tell Enzo everything, about crushing on him since seventh grade, spill his guts and lift that weight off his chest.
But he couldn't. He knew he could never be that brave. Enzo probably knew it already. After all, Kian kissed him twice and both times Enzo looked at him as if Kian was a stranger and not his best friend.
Indeed, Kian was a stranger to his own feelings.
He kept his phone turned off for most part of the day, during classes, at work and even at night, wondering if Enzo tried calling him in those hours or if he had finally severed the ties with him for good. Either way, Kian kept all those raging emotions and thoughts within his heart, all because he wasn't ready to face Enzo again, maybe ever. Like undelivered letters, he wanted to stay within the pages of his journals.
At night when he finally collapsed on his bed, memories of his meeting with Enzo reeled in his mind: the feel of his breath tickling Kian's neck, his own hands closing around Enzo's waist, the feel of his abs flexing under his touch, the way they shared the same joint, the soul crushing kiss. And every single time he woke up hard and had to rub one out. And it never felt enough. Not even close.
It was so wrong. It was so hopeless. It was so pathetic. But Kian had no idea how to tackle the messy knots of emotions and feelings in his life.
In moments like these, when his mind fogged with dark clouds of hopelessness, he would stare at the ceiling for hours. Pulling the comforter to his chin he would watch the glow stickers which he and Audrey put there and would travel in the past.
When he was a kid, his father used to put them in his room, the stars, the moon, the galaxies and when they faded, his father would replace them, so they always glowed.
Memories of his father only brought him more pain. He wondered if his father still remembered those mundane things. When did he become such a disappointment for everyone? Was it the day he found himself?
***
"You kissed him again?" Audrey gasped. Her big brown eyes widened and glowed with romantic fervor. "That's so hot. Wow" She smiled cheekily.
"Can you not announce it to the entire college?" Kian said annoyed. "It's not hot. It's a mess."
"A hot mess, indeed." Audrey fanned her face and batted her eyes. Yet, again she was loud.
