||Wattys 2022 Shortlist||
Kian Advani was a closeted queer in his high school. Always in denial of his true feelings and emotions. So much so that he did everything to blend in with the rest of the straight crowd. But that didn't mean he wasn't att...
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Kian got himself a strong drink and joined Audrey by the railing overlooking the pit of the club.
He rested his back on the iron bars beside his roommate and sipped on his whiskey. They made small talk as the techies cleared the stage and reset it for the closing event, then the light went down, and the sound of the band warming up clattered over the crowd.
If I still find you among the crowd, standing by me, I will know that we are done being cowards.
Enzo's words rang in his ears as the lights came up slowly, purple, green, and red, covering in strobing pools over the stage. Then a spotlight lanced through the gloom to illuminate the lead singer. This time it wasn't the golden boy. It was Enzo owning the show.
Kian's heart stopped.
"You've just met him backstage. Stop leering at the boy like that. I admit he's one fine-ass piece of a man." Audrey spoke into his ear, then chuckled while sipping her LIIT.
And that's the problem. Kian wanted to say, but instead, he found himself frozen on the spot, one hand clutching his third whiskey, the other gripping the railing in a fist so tight his knuckles turned white. Enzo kissed him, and this time neither of them was intoxicated.
Kian turned toward Audrey and sighed. "We kissed again."
"What? You kissed him again?" She looked at him as if he had sprouted horns. "You need to take some serious lessons on self-control, Kian Advani."
Kian turned away, facing the pit again. "I said 'we kissed', not 'I kissed'."
Audrey choked on her drink. "Oh, shit. So, I was right all along." She looked from Kian to Enzo, who Kian knew for sure, might have already created a trance in the crowd surrounding him, but he dared not to turn and face him. Not yet. "Wait. Isn't that a good thing? I mean, that's what you've always wanted. Why the wary face now?"
"You don't understand." He drained his rock glass and shook it. "You know what? I need another drink." He turned away to escape to the bar.
Audrey grabbed him by the shoulders and spun him around to face her. "Then make me understand this, Kay. You're not running away from this any more than you already have. Now, let me ask you one simple question. He's the one who reached out to you after two years. Yes?" Kian gave her a small nod. "And you're in love with him. I can see that much so I'm not asking you to confess it to me. The question is, does he know? Did you tell him that?"
"He has always been into girls, Audrey. I know him. What if he is confused because of the kiss? What if he is mixing our friendship for feelings? It might as well be just a phase for him, but I have grown up living this feeling. I can't settle for anything less than forever with him." Kian licked his lips and squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to turn towards the stage. "It's impossible, Audi. Impossible. Not unless he fits in the same world as me. He can't be his old self and develop this new feeling for me. One day he will wake up and realize what he wants in a lover, and I fear he won't find that in me."
