A Thousand Times Enough

* Chapter 25 *

XXV. • °

The remainder of yesterday was a blur.  It seemed as though I had cried my eyes out for what seemed like years, I was starting to feel ill. Although I didn't want to hoard Silas's bedroom he assured me that he had other places in the house to be and that it was fine. The whole time yesterday it was silent, no movement in the house...and like he had stated yesterday Florien was not there. I wondered about him, and about Silas.

But yet here I was,  dropping some serious things off at his doorstep because I had nowhere to go and making him let me in. What if he didn't want me here and what if I was imposing? He never made me feel that way but that's how I feel.

 I couldn't help but think of anything different. I always said that I didn't want anyone's pity or anyone to look at me differently because of it, and now that he knows that's all I'm going to think about.

And I know he will too, it troubled him, it bothered him. But wouldn't it bother anyone to hear such an act? I don't regret him knowing but, I didn't want him to look at me differently. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me because of my shitty life. I didn't want anyone to feel like they had to do anything for me because of my shitty life.  But they all did, and I was grateful, but what type of person am I? I felt like a freeloader.

All of them had lives of their own, good lives. A family, a place to live, a steady income, and I couldn't help but feel the more I lived at Nadia's the more I was freeloading. I still wondered why she thought so much of me and how she thought nothing about who I was or questioned it in any way. I thought things would be so different, I thought they wouldn't accept me because of their life and their parents, because of the title that they hold and me...I was a nobody.

God, I mean...my dad hasn't even tried to reach back out to me. I know I blocked him, I know, and I've been so angry and I know I said some hurtful things to him...but he's all I have left. My only parent, my only family. If that fucker Mark did anything to him or the other guy that hurt me I would never forgive myself knowing I had a part in it. So I won't go to the police, and I won't put my dad in any danger.

I don't care if they come after me, I would prefer that it be me than him. I had to protect him. But knowing that he had no idea what they did hurt me the most, he could've warned me about them...he could've told me anything that would've been enough for me to never go back to that apartment. But he didn't.

And even though I felt so low and I had no one, I still felt...sorry for him more than for myself. He had gotten himself into something and I feared the outcome.

All of these thoughts...had been racing through my mind all night. I feared going to sleep, so I didn't. I was so scared too. I didn't want another nightmare about her or anyone else, I couldn't take it. My heart constantly felt like I was getting new stab wounds every second, every minute, and every hour of the day.

But I couldn't let what happened to me break me any more than I was, if I stopped and acted how I felt then I would never get through it.

And that's scary to think about.

I was interrupted from staring up at the darkness facing the ceiling when I heard a soft knock on the door. I sat up partially staring over to where the door was located. "Come in."

As the words left my lips, the door slowly opened and from the light shining in from the hall, I could see Silas standing there. "Hey, I was wondering if you were up did I wake you?"

"No, you didn't, I was just waking up," I say trying to sound convincing, I hadn't had a wink of sleep all night.

He came in further walking over to my side of the bed and taking a seat. "You haven't slept at all have you?"