Unexpected

Gabby the Bitch

After dinner at Austin's, I find myself feeling like a normal teenage girl for once. When I wake up early to get ready with a particular person in mind, I don't feel like I'm cosplaying like I often do.

The giddiness encouraging me to straighten the unruly hair I usually have thrown up into a bun on a day like this just for a rare Instagram selfie is fun, albeit terrifying. Having something to be excited about also means having something to be disappointed by. I assure myself with the promise that no one besides myself will be witness to this version of myself that's currently bargaining with my front camera for a flattering angle.

I'm typically somewhat indifferent to my appearance, having some days where I like how I look more than others. But today, I understand the modern obsession with self; the cosmo articles and the rabbit hole of YouTube tutorials. It's embarrassing how much I care today, when I so rarely hold anyone's opinion of me higher than my own.

But today is different, today I care. Today I have hope. A hope that's been spurred on by an asshole that knows me too well and has a tendency to surprise me into the realization that I don't know as much about people as I think I do.

That same asshole held my face so gingerly the night before, with so much adoration in his eyes for a girl that's only caused him trouble, that all that came before melted away in the twilight. It felt like a dream, one where I was understood and safe. For the first time, I just let myself feel it. No reservations, no skepticism. Just the two of us sitting in his car, surrounded by a thick, dreamy silence that only the late hours are capable of.

I'd be foolish to let my limited positive experiences with Austin dictate my actions from here, but I'd be even more foolish to disregard them completely. Step by step I'll move forward, no longer anchoring myself with apprehension of a future I can't control. That is, as long as Austin does the same and shows more than just glimpses of the person that his friends have stuck around for all these years.

An embarrassing amount of selfie attempts later, I've decided on one and add it to my Instagram profile of only four other posts from over the years. Accompanied with a picture of me pouting is the caption:

CrabbyGabby: Frowning in brown

I update my profile picture to reflect my new hair color and go through my follow requests to see that most of the group has already found me, including Austin. When I accept his request and follow him back, I get the notification that he's liked my new post and commented within minutes.

NotAustinTexas: Best frown in Florida

It's cheesy, but I smile a little despite myself. I watch as a few other comments roll in right after, probably due to the follow back notification.

RobbingTheVilla: Gab Gab lookin fab fab
SarahBrightt: Gababy! 😍
Zach_Dorsey: Of course the first selfie you post is of you looking grumpy

I chuckle to myself and begin to type out a response to Zach when another comment appears.

CameronHallBBall: You're so beautiful

I tap the username to investigate, and find that him and Austin are following each other. After some more sleuthing, I find an old group picture with Austin among a group of guys sporting the school's basketball team jersey.

I accept his follow request, and shortly after a direct message notification pops up.

One month ago
CameronHallBBall: Hey

I mark the message as unread and delete it along with a few other similar DMs. When I grow tired of scrolling, I lock my phone only for it to light back up with a call from Austin.