Unexpected

Summer

"Imagine if it was that simple. What would you do then?" Catrina asks me, eyeing the boys splashing boisterously in the pool beside us.

"But it's not, and it never will be. So what's the point in wondering if it were?" I ask exasperatedly, feeling like this conversation has been going in circles. I have my face angled towards Catrina and away from the boys' intense water gun war. It's a little risky to be talking like this in such close proximity to them, but they are gallivanting about the chlorine water in floaties functioning as their horses and ships in a battle that I don't foresee coming to a truce anytime soon.

"Just entertain me then. What would you do?" She asks again, leaning in to be heard over the whoops and hollers. The noise mixed in with my frustration is threatening to become a migraine, and I absentmindedly rub at my temples as I think.

I sigh in defeat and say, "You already know what I would do. I would go for it. But that's not the reality we're in, Cat."

I know she's trying to help me make sense of things, but I don't know if that's possible. I'm not even sure what I want, so I don't know how she expects me to pick a course of action. As my friend, she doesn't seem as content as I to languish in a state of uncertainty where feelings of love and heartbreak intertwine so inexplicably I can hardly tell them apart. I feel an immense amount of longing for what almost was coinciding with shame and distrust. I don't know how you're supposed to just overcome that.

"Well, I think you should talk to him. That's been going well so far, right? You know, other than the obvious tension."

"What obvi-"

"Gabby." She shoots me a pointed look and I roll my eyes, masking a twinge of embarrassment in my chest. If she thinks that, then the others probably do too. I thought it was all in my head, where no one could see.

"What has Zach said?" Her eyes instinctively flick to wherever he is in the pool, and just for a moment I'm jealous of her- jealous that she can wear her heart out in the open like that and show what she feels for him.

"He's told me to worry more about how I'm going to rob my parents." I smile a little, appreciative of his ability to make this particular problem feel minuscule at times. "But honestly, I think he feels the same. He just doesn't say it."

"I know he does because we've talked about it. Zach's such a hater, so you know that means something." She says, glossing right over the fact that they've talked about Austin and I. Not that I'm surprised, but to hear it so casually is another thing.

"You haven't said anything to Sarah, have you? I don't think there's a single person on this earth that she hates more than him." I ask, thinking of Sarah's open grudge against him. I know it's been enough to cause tension between her and Alex. In her opinion, he shouldn't be in the group anymore. Not everyone has completely forgiven him, but she's the worst case out of all of us, including me.

"About what? Your feelings for him?" My body tenses, as if to reject what I know to be true.

"No," She continues. "There wouldn't be a point. You're easier to read than you think you are."

I exhale through my nose roughly in response, feeling more than a little unsettled with this conversation.

"Besides, she doesn't hate him. She's just protective."

"Do you think Austin knows?" I ask her and glance again towards the pool. Austin's head is thrown back in laughter and the bright sound rings in my ears like bells.

"Do you know that he feels the same?" She counters, making me look back at her skeptically.

"I don't know if that's true. He's had a lot going on, he probably feels differently now." I say truthfully, and Catrina rolls her eyes.