Unexpected

Gabby the Softie

"So I have something I want to confess." I say, swirling a finger around on the fabric of Austin's t-shirt. I can still hear the steady beat of his heart as I angle my head slightly to look up at him.

"Go on." He says to me, opening one eye and smiling at me lazily. We're sprawled out in the backseat of his jeep, enjoying some time away from the prying eyes in the school cafeteria. The group, Zach in particular, has been giving us grief for disappearing together more and more lately for what they assume to be hookup sessions. I let them believe what they will, but the truth is our absences have more to do with me not wanting anyone to see how soft I've gotten in the more recent weeks of Austin and I's relationship. If they're still weirded out by our lack of fighting, then I can only imagine how they'd react to what we're like when it's just the two of us.

Austin is one of few people I've let see me with my guard down, and that's already more people than I was counting on. But now that I'm here, already used to having someone help carry the weight of the world, I want as many opportunities as possible to just revel in the weightlessness of it. So most days of the week, Austin and I eat our lunch in his car and laugh like we're kids again, sheltered from the world outside. The freedom we've gained from each other's company- the reason for our routine escape from school, it's not something we've had to speak aloud. The difference in the way we act in the company of others speaks for itself.

I didn't realize just how controlled I felt like I had to be in my daily life until I stopped holding my breath around Austin and finally loosened up to the idea of trusting someone. When we're together, my heart feels lighter, the sun seems brighter, and I realize I'm totally, and completely, fucked.

Regardless, I'm grateful I've had the chance to be surprised by someone. It's not often that my pessimistic assumptions have been proven wrong. Human nature has been all too reliable up until these last few months. And so I'm compelled to keep sharing more of myself, especially in this moment.

"You're going to laugh. Hopefully." I say, resting my cheek against his chest again. His chest shakes with a quiet chuckle, and he rubs a hand between my shoulder blades to urge me onwards.

"Before we started dating, I kind of had this bet going." His hand freezes in place, and I can hear his heart pick up pace.

"It's really stupid, thinking back on it now. But I thought I could get you to fall for me just so I could break your heart. You know, to give you a taste of your own medicine.... or something like that. Anyway, it didn't work because I hated you too much to go through with it and then I didn't hate you enough."

Austin exhales slowly, making me worry that I've upset him.

"Are you mad?" I ask, still able to hear his heart thumping through his chest.

"No, it's just... I'm glad you told me. This bet, did you tell anyone about it?" He answers, his tone sounding off.

"Well, it wasn't really much of a bet, because there were no stakes and I only told Catrina and Zach. And Nicole. They were against it, so I doubt they were thinking of putting any money down on it." I joke, trying to lighten the mood in what's beginning to feel like a strained conversation.

Austin sits up, holding me against him to sit me up with him.

"You know that I love you, right?" He asks me, worried eyes searching mine.

My stomach flips at the three words that don't feel any more normal than they did a few weeks ago. "I know." I assure him uncertainly, not sure of what warranted the reminder.

"Are we... okay?" I ask hesitantly, seeing the way his frown doesn't let up.

"Yeah, yeah. I just needed you to know that." He offers a stiff smile, further convincing me that I've hurt his feelings.