Unexpected

Austin the Oscar Worthy Actor

*Austin's POV*

Guilt ravages my insides, raw flames of shame are searing through me as I stare into the darkness of my bedroom. I should have known I couldn't prevent Gabby from finding out, I could feel the ugly truth trailing me like a shadow. Each time someone from the team so much as quirked an eyebrow at me, I could feel conflict nipping at my heels, and driving me forward in fear.

I didn't think Gabby and I's already tumultuous relationship would survive another transgression of mine and it appears I was right, but only because I didn't give us the chance.

The past week has brought on a mix of emotions, with all of them occasionally being reduced to a single, streamlined feeling of anger. Anger with myself, for being unable to do a single thing right.

Alex is the only one talking to me right now, and even he's kept his distance. I don't blame him, or anyone, for losing their faith in me. I've done more harm than good, and I can't take that back no matter how much I want to. I certainly can't keep returning to the dark place my dad's death left me in, it's only ever set me back. Robert was right. I'm not a child anymore, I've outgrown that excuse. I realized as much when I found a reason to endure some growing pains, but by that time it was too late. I've been avoiding unpleasantry for so long, I'm not even aware of when I'm doing it anymore. This selfishness, it's second nature. And that's why the anger prevails over all the other emotions from my mistake, even the heartbreak of losing Gabby.

The guilt is a close second. Every morning when she settles next to me in English class, her face is wiped clean of any emotion, stone cold and practiced. I've made myself an outsider, just another person she needs to protect herself from when she had just managed to believe the world wasn't out to get her.

She has my friends, her friends, and I hope they can be there for her the way that I once was. I hope that they manage to worm themselves into her life with the same persistent kindness that kept them by my side all these years.

I have no right to still feel so protective of her when I was the one to hurt her, but I can't seem to help it. I worry about her beyond the pain that I personally caused her. She's tough and bristly because she's had to be, not because she wants to be. She wants to be soft and unassuming, like she was with me the weeks leading up to the Halloween party.

And although Alex is upset with me, I know I haven't lost him completely.

"We don't hate you." He had told me when I pulled him aside after gym the other day. He sighed and looked to the ground, tiredly searching the dirt for the right words to say. "This needs time. Gabby needs time, and she needs friends to rely on. That comes first."

That was such a nice way of saying "you fucked up, so you're the one without friends right now". Then again, Alex has always had a knack for sparing people's feelings.

"Can I ask how she's doing?" I asked him, feeling like I might be asking for too much. I didn't deserve to know how she was doing, I didn't deserve to know anything about her anymore. But Alex is kind-hearted, and he knew I meant well, so he indulged me.

"Not great, Austin. She's decided to stop drinking after... a particularly rough night recently. But she's okay, and she has us. That's all I really feel like I should tell you."

I nodded in appreciation for the information he was willing to give me.

"Thank you."