Water On Fire [MileApo | mxm]

25

Goddamn, he's beautiful, Mile thinks with some despair.

Mile remembers those first stages of seduction, when he couldn't read Apo, but he wanted him so badly. Standing before him now, it's like he's regressed three years. Apo is once again unattainable. It's as if the object of Mile's desire is behind glass, unreachable. And Mile is again stupefied and gaping, at a loss for words.

There's a good reason he can't express himself in words. Mile's brain has something like eighty billion neurons. Often, these extremely complex emotions and thoughts simply cannot be reduced to mere words. It's impossible. And he has to live with this limitation.

Apo's face contorts in confusion, so Mile rushes headlong into elaboration.

"I kept you in my mind for years."

"Mile, stop."

"I remembered you-"

"What are you doing? Think very carefully about what you're doing."

"I watched all your shows, bought out every magazine with your face in it. From the beginning, I-"

"Mile, stop. I mean it. Before you say anything else, remember that I've moved on. I've healed, fin-"

"Are you healed, or are you just trying not to think about it?" Mile challenges.

"How dare you fucking ask me that?" Apo demands. "Do you have any idea how hard it's been? You used to stand up for me. Shut down any question with even the slightest ill will directed towards me, protect me from the cruel judgements of fans, play the role of bodyguard if anyone got too close... you made me feel normal, not weird or out of place like I used to feel. You understood me without any explanation whatsoever. You were my safe place. I had to unlearn those privileges. And now, I am not going to let you undo the healing I've worked so hard for."

Apo's remembrance of these things makes hope flare up in Mile's chest.

"Did you mean what you wrote? Did you really love me? Do you miss me?"

"Every atom of me misses you," Apo snaps. "And you're just making it worse. Why can't you just leave all that in the past, and accept that we're over?"

"The whole thing, with us, the falling out..." Mile grips his own hair. "Apo, it was just one big unfortunate misunderstanding. Stress, anxiety... I just snapped. I didn't mean to say all those terrible things. But I didn't know. I only just read your note-"

"I don't believe you. I think you meant every goddamn word you said and now you're just regretting it because you hate seeing me with Chai."

"It's not an excuse; it's the truth. I didn't read it until today."

"I asked you twice before and you said you did read it. So how can I know that you're telling the truth now?"

Mile's shoulders slump in defeat.

"I... You can't."

"You know how much I always valued honesty between us."

"Apo... You know me. All I can do at this point is appeal to you on the basis of that. You can look into my eyes and know that I'm telling you the truth. You're one of the few people who can do that."

They've been friends, lovers, and everything in between. No one knows Mile like Apo.

Apo's gaze is flat. He doesn't want to believe Mile. And Mile understands. This is unfair. Dragging him back into the mire with Mile now that he's found happiness is unfair.

Mile can't believe this is where they are now. "Don't you remember how good it was? How we kissed until we couldn't breathe? What happened to us, Apo?"