Remus Lupin Comfort 🤎

talk

tw ‼️ mentions of suicide, self harm, and disordered eating.

this wasn't your fault.

the words echoed in y/n's head. they had so much meaning and yet no meaning at all. luke had told her that it was her fault, and she had believed him for so long. she should've done better, worked harder. her heart was crumpling inside her chest, and the room around her seemed fake, like it was made of cardboard. a faint ringing in her ears. lupin's voice... what was he saying?

"y/n... y/n look at me," lupin was crouched down so he was eye level with her. y/n eyes snapped into focus.

"name 5 things you can see," he instructed.

"bed, um... you, books, stuffed animal, and my shoes." she took a deep, gasping breath.

"4 things you can feel." they went all the way down to 1, hitting every sense. by the end, y/n was tethered back to earth.

"good job y/n. do you think you're ready to talk about this? it's ok if you aren't, but we do need to discuss it at some point."

"i-i'm not sure if i'm ready yet." she had never felt so exposed. this was a secret she had kept for years, and although she trusted lupin, part of her still felt wary around men in general. maybe someday, but not now.

"that's fine, i completely understand. you've had a very rough 24 hours and this is a lot to deal with. would you like to try sleeping again?"

y/n vigorously shook her head. she wasn't sure if she wanted to ever sleep for the rest of her life.

"ok, i could've guessed that. y/n i think we need to come up with a safety plan for when the urge to self harm comes again. i need to know that you're going to be safe. have you ever wanted to kill yourself?"

y/n hesitated, and briefly considered lying. she got the feeling however, that lupin would be able to tell if she was being untruthful. "yeah, sometimes," she answered softly, wiping tears off her cheeks, trying to pull herself together.

lupin exhaled. he formulated a response in his head, and promptly threw it away at the last second, opting for improvisation.

"can you tell me why you want to commit suicide?"

there was no going back now. once all this ugliness spilled out of her, there would be no way to clean it back up. the words caught in her throat, and a choking noise escaped her. how could she ever put the darkness that was inside her into words?

"it's ok, take your time," lupin said reassuringly.

breathe, y/n reminded herself.

"i don't really feel like a deserve to be alive. all my life i've been told that i'm not good enough, a-and i believed them. i believed them from the very beginning. i'm always burnt out. i've been hurt by people i trust more times than i can count." she clenched her fists. "i'd rather be dead than be touched by my stepdad ever again. and i can't trust him not to try the next time i go home." lupin stared at her very intently, like he was trying to absorb all of her emotions and adopt them as his own.

she continued. "i- i have a lot of issues with food, and i um, well i feel like i have to control it, and if i break the rules in my head i feel like i'm going to die. it makes me really stressed and tired, like, all the time. and i have nightmares every night." she took a deep breath. that was the first time every telling anyone about her food problems. first time even acknowledging them as a problem.

"and so... i just think: maybe it would all be better if i didn't exist," y/n finished.

she looked up. lupin's eyes were filled with tears.

oh.

so this is what it's like to be loved.