Tales From A Teenage Henchman

Training Wheels for Crooks

Tim wasn't sure at exactly what point his life had decided to start falling apart, but he was impressed with how quickly it had all gone to hell. Honestly, it was a thing of beauty.

Maybe if he weren't caught in the middle of a proverbial shitstorm, Tim could have sat back to admire the splendor of it all. As it was, he was almost certain he'd end up with a freakin' ulcer with the way things were going. When Tim looked around at all the other henchmen gathered in the lounge, he wasn't surprised to see some of his own disbelief mirrored on their faces. They still looked relatively calm though, so Tim figured he was the one closest to a nervous breakdown. Good to know.

Tim would still blame Penny if he ended up going mad.

It had all started, like always, with another of Penny's brilliant ideas. Apparently, what would really give them an edge in the upcoming jamboree would be some fresh recruits. With that in mind, they'd taken to the streets to lure young, unsuspecting people to join their ranks. Tim hadn't gone along because he was smart enough to make an excuse—he had a stomach ache. Once again, Tim had to thank Penny's soft heartedness when it came to her henchmen because that excuse hadn't worked for him since he was back in elementary school.

And so, he'd watched from the couch as the others filed out with containers full of cookies and stacks of flyers. Penny wasn't very good at subtle marketing. Still, it worked well enough with the rest of them so Tim didn't complain.

Apparently, it had worked a little too well because now they had a small group of eager new recruits standing before them. They were all young, wide eyed and—Tim reluctantly admitted—kinda adorable in the same way a shivery chihuahua could be called the same. Tim desperately tried to signal to them that they should run away while they could. He probably just ended up looking particularly deranged though, because a couple of them looked alarmed and then completely avoided looking his way.

You fools! I tried to warn you, Tim thought a bit melodramatically if he were to be completely honest.

Still, Tim could have dealt with just having some newbies around. It even had the potential to be fun given the sadistic nature of most of the people in the building and their love for pranks.

What Tim couldn't deal with—and what he hadn't been expecting—was to end up saddled with a wide eyed little runt to instruct in their evil ways. But he'd ended up drawing the short end of the stick. Literally.

They'd used popsicle sticks to decide who'd get stuck as a mentor.

As Tim was starting to suspect, it really wasn't his year, because he was handed the most eager little newbie he'd ever seen and it was painfully obvious Tim would have his hands full. If he listened carefully, he could almost hear God laughing at him along with Lina.

"What's your name kid?" he asked, because he couldn't really keep calling him newbie. Well he could, but Tim didn't feel like abusing his power that day.

"Tommy," answered the eager little guy, all big eyes and mousy brown hair. Tim almost felt like he'd been given a puppy. Now he just had to make that puppy evil. Seemed easy enough.

"Heh, Tommy?" Tim turned and wasn't surprised to find Lina, Benny, Alex, Sam, and Vic watching the meeting between Tim and his new student. Benny looked particularly amused for some reason. "Timmy and Tommy, what a team," he said.

"I will punch you in the throat," Tim threatened flatly. It was his go to threat when dealing with Benny and one he hadn't carried out as of yet.

That was probably why Benny just snickered and generally acted like he couldn't give less of a fuck about Tim's threats. Still, at least he wasn't making stupid jokes anymore. Tim took that as his chance to leave before his so-called friends started with the jokes. He still heard them laughing as he dragged his unexpected student away.