Tales From A Teenage Henchman

Romancing the Chili Dog

Tim wasn't surprised to hear that, despite the whole debacle the date had turned into, Penny had a second date. Maybe it was because he was already certain that God had a personal grudge against him. He felt surprisingly calm about the whole thing. At least, according to Lina.

"I'm surprised you're not freaking out about all of this," she said from the passenger seat she was occupying.

Apparently, Tim had been slacking too much in regards to the farce that was his superhero career. Lina claimed he was losing popularity. Tim pointed out he had no popularity. Still, Lina insisted on him getting out there and fighting crime. Also, she was still set on Tim sabotaging Sparrow.

"Well, freaking out isn't really going to do anything," Tim said, pausing in his routine check of his tasers and smoke bombs. "I mean, really, what has freaking out ever done for me?"

As far as Tim could see, it had landed him in the back of a van, wearing a shitty superhero costume cosplayers would laugh at, about to be dumped onto a particularly crappy part of town. No, panicking had never done him any good. Lina seemed to see his point, if the way she raised her brows and nodded were anything to go by.

"Well, look at you, all resigned and vaguely mature. I'm almost proud of you Timmy." Lina slapped him on the back with a grin that made Tim roll his eyes. "Now get out there and be the, well not best, but most decent hero you can be."

Tim felt like even that was too much to ask, but didn't get the chance to say so before the van stopped and he was practically tossed out of it. Thanks to Tim being used to such crappy treatment at the hands of his so-called friends, he was able to not fall on his face. Which was fortunate, seeing as he liked his face. His mother had told him it was his best feature.

He still glared as the van drove away, but decided not to dwell on it for too long. Tim had other things to worry about. Like finding some poor unsuspecting crook to tase. Fortunately, it didn't take him long.

The first criminal—or victim, depending on who was asked—to cross Tim's path was a tall, lanky guy who had clearly robbed some nearby store. He had the signature shifty-eyed look of a crook that wasn't all that good, and Tim could see crumpled wads of cash in the pockets of his jacket just peeking out because getting a bag had seemingly been too much trouble. It all made Tim nearly groan in actual disappointment. Sure, being a criminal wasn't all that glamorous, but still. A bit of effort would have been appreciated.

There was a certain artistry to it that the new guys lacked.

Tim didn't even bother with any fancy takedown. He just grabbed an empty beer bottle someone had left lying around and hurled it at the guy's head. If nothing else, Tim had always had good aim. This proved to be true as the robber went down after getting hit right on the head. After that, it was only a matter of calmly walking over to the thief's body and tasing him.

Tim always felt a bit better after a good tasing. It did great things to his rotten little soul. He even wondered if maybe he should have dragged Tommy along as his sidekick. Maybe tasing people would have motivated the little guy to be more evil. Unfortunately, it was too late for that.

After the clown debacle, Tommy had come to the conclusion that the life of a henchman wasn't for him. He'd taken a break from the road to villainy that he'd barely taken a step upon. Honestly, Tim kinda missed the little guy. Or more likely, he missed having someone to boss around. Either way, things had gotten a lot more quiet since the aspiring henchman left them.

Even Sparrow had been hanging around less often. Tim supposed she might have still been dealing with the trauma of her shitty date with Penny. Which was one of the many reasons he was surprised she was sticking around. Then again, Penny was kinda cute in a vaguely evil-minimalist-goth kind of way. She had a very particular look, is what Tim was getting at.