Ad Astra

Chapter 37

Lost in my love for Asteria, the passage of time happens smoothly. Before I can blink, another week has passed, meaning I am only that much closer to the date I am supposed to carry out the execution of Prince Stephan. No letters for my mother come in that time, nor do I write, too worried wondering how I will convince my mother to spare Asteria's life. I keep my thoughts at a distance, trying to distract myself by spending as much time with Asteria as possible so that I may savor the possibly last moments we will have together if all goes according to my mother's plan.

And yet, as I kiss her, embrace her, lie beside her in bed, I want so desperately to save her. I come to realize that if I take no action at all, there will be nothing I can do when the date of the assassination comes. Asteria will die, partially by my hand, and I will have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life and mourn the happiness I worked so hard to procure.

With this in mind, I finally sit down to write a letter on a Sunday evening. Asteria and I have just finished dinner, and though I expect to go join her in her bedroom, I must wait for Josie, who is readying her for bed, to finish doing so before I can rejoin her. I sit at my mahogany desk with a blank piece of paper in front of me. I rest my hands on either side of my head and tap my foot impatiently, trying to get the words out. It is one thing to share my thoughts with my mother, but certainly another to do so in a way that will be discreet enough for her to receive my message.

When the words refuse to flow, I finally decide to write some drafts from the heart, no pseudonyms or false narratives. Though I may not be able to send them, I can at least have in mind what I wish to write to my mother, and if she happens to visit me beforehand, I will have talking points. The sun is beginning to set in the distance, and I decide I will force myself to write until it disappears in the horizon. I write feverishly, trying to think of what sounds best, but as I glance over the several drafts I have started, they all consist of nothing more than a few lines:

Dear Mama, please be willing to listen to what I have to share with you. Perhaps an entirely different Magnuvian regime is possible.

Dear Mama, Have you considered Asteria need not be our enemy? Think of what she can add to our plan as an ally.

Dear Mama, I am begging you to spare Asteria's life.

I groan frustratingly. Even if I am not willing to compose my feelings for Asteria in a letter, I almost think it would be easier for my mother to understand. She loved my father once. Surely she must know the grip that romantic love would have on me as well. Yet, I feel like sharing such thoughts will only damn Asteria more. I grapple with my thoughts some more, wondering how on earth I can write something convincing enough to spare Asteria's life. I place ink to paper again, ready to begin yet another draft, when a knock on the door interrupts me.

I stiffen and sit straight up in my chair. Quickly, I shove the drafts into my desk drawer and rise to greet the knocker at the door. A part of me hopes it is Asteria, but my heart falls when I merely find one of Asteria's guards at my door. I stare at him, perplexed. The guards do not often call upon me. Important matters are usually discussed with Alba despite my head maid status.

"May I help you?" I ask. The annoyance in my tone is clear.

"Apologies for the disruption, ma'am. Alba sent me here a moment ago. It seems you have a visitor," he says.

A visitor? I wonder why I am being visited at such a late hour. Nevertheless, if Taika is here, I would be happy to see him. Perhaps I am struggling to tell Mama the truth, but if I pull Taika aside and ask to speak with him, I am sure he will understand. Suddenly, I am uplifted, thinking that a conversation with Taika is all that I need. What I lack in convincing my mother to compromise, he will make up for.