Ad Astra

Chapter 39

Two days later, I still have not made a decision. The clock is ticking rapidly. It is Wednesday. In four days, Taika will be waiting for me to take me to Magewell, but I still do not know if I have the courage to go. I certainly do not have the courage to kill Asteria. Each day, I triple check where I have hidden the knife and study it carefully, and each day, I cannot even begin to imagine how I could take her life.

I try writing letters to my mother, describing all that I neglected to tell her during our last meeting, but I never get far. I do not know if my correspondence will reach her in time anyway. I am sure she must be busy preparing, and I doubt anything I have to say will change her mind now about the plan or Asteria's fate.

I put on my best face for Asteria, but she knows me well enough to know something is bothering me. Thankfully, she does not question me on it, but the extra attention she gives me only doubles my guilt and makes me worry more about being discovered.

In the afternoon, I enjoy tea with Asteria in her chambers during a break in my chores. Our conversation is light and casual. Tension is still high in the estate. Zofia has still not been found, which relieves me, but worries the others. Alba wrote to Zofia's parents earlier in the week, but in their returning letter, they stated that Zofia had not returned home, smashing all doubts that Zofia ran away from her duties. It is clear that foul play is suspected now, and while my name may be cleared for now thanks to Maria, I am sure it will not stay that way forever if I'm not careful.

As thoughts of worry run through my mind, Asteria sets her cups down and strolls over to me. She walks behind the couch I sit on and hugs me from behind, nestling her head into the crook of my neck.

"Asteria?" I ask.

"Let's go for a walk in the garden," she suggests. "The weather is not too warm today."

I agree, hoping being outdoors will clear my thoughts. I accompany her out into the garden, enjoying the feeling of sunlight on my skin. I fear my time in Esterpool will be coming to an end soon. Though my feelings of the place are complicated, just like Asteria's, I breathe in the scent of roses and admire their soft colors all the same. So much has happened in my time here. In my possibly final days serving as Asteria's maid, I am suddenly saddened to leave all this behind.

"What's wrong?" Asteria asks me calmly. "You've been so somber lately, Fe. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"I—" My voice catches in my throat. There is not much I can share, as desperately as I want to. I clear my throat and shake my head. "I am only still worried about Zofia's disappearance. It has been giving me much stress. Everything has become so tense lately – with the Magewell trip, now the estate."

Though we are not in her hidden garden, Asteria's hand still reaches for my own. She pauses in her steps and squeezes my hand tightly. "Please do not worry for my sake."

"But, I—"

She drops my hand and continues walking. "I can handle myself. I appreciate your concern, but do not waste all your energy worrying for me, too. Besides, Zofia could be somewhere safe for all we know. Do not think the worst."

I smile weakly, but I know the worst has already come for her. I witnessed it with my own eyes. And soon, the worst might come to Asteria as well.

"Focus on the simple things," Asteria tells me. "The sun is shining brightly today, isn't it? And the pink roses that you love have bloomed recently. There is so much to enjoy."

Her optimism is another reason why I love her. As desperately as I want to kiss her, I cannot in the public space of the garden with the guards lingering around. I merely smile at her instead, overjoyed to see the same curve of her lips.