IF I EVER

CHAPTER NINE - HE'S GONE

" Ririiiii ! ", Ari screams so loud, rushing to embrace me. Her cute pigtails bob up and down as she jumps and laughs with glee and I kneel and hug her so tight and plant a zillion kisses on her face.

For a moment, I am just lost in her giggles and her cute adorable smile. I can't help but be glad she is back home. I really miss her.

My mind drifts back to when Dad died.... I admit Mom and I were devastated but Ari was affected the most. It was like her tongue had been cut out. She wouldn't utter a single word for months.

We took her to so many counsellors and psychologists but she was just not willing to open up or even express a single feeling. She was as stiff as a statue. She didn't show any sign of grief or remorse. She was in a state of shock.

Ari might be just a little girl but she has the mind of a grown-up. She looks older than her age and everything about her is just so... extraordinary for any normal seven-year-old.

Her hazel-brown eyes, her freckles, her warm smile, her jet-black hair and her rose-coloured cheeks... Reminds me so much of Dad. I'm never letting Mom take her away from me again all in the name of spending time with her date.

" Titiiiii", she screams when she sees Ty from behind and he rushes to carry her and kisses her cheeks. Sheesh... I forget she can be a boy-snatcher at times.

The way Jay, Connie and Ty adore her makes me so jealous. And how she calls them is hella funny, to be honest. Titi , Coco and Jijay. Silly girl names for the top three hottest boys in school.

" Ty has been taking care of you, I can see ", Mom interrupts my thoughts and I try so hard not to even glance at her.

I still can't get over the fact she left me home on my own just to go and be with her lover. Like, which Mom does that?

" Jijayyy.... Jijayyy!!! ", Ari calls out persistently, probably thinking he's here with us and then starts to cry when she doesn't get a single response about Jay's whereabouts from us.

I've forgotten how much Ari is addicted to Jay. He was the main reason she started acting normal and okay after Dad's death.

Well, I guess I didn't tell you how, so I'll tell you now.

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"Dad, I don't think you should drink this much, come on ", I pleaded, taking the alcohol bottle from him but he took it back from me.

He looked so hurt. Tears were threatening to flow down from his eyes but he kept saying he was fine. From the look of things, it looked like he and Mom had gotten into a fight or something but I couldn't tell what was going on.

I felt so helpless watching him wallow in despair and hurt. What at all did Mom say to him to make him this broken?

I hated myself for being so involved with being a popular girl and a school body president that I could no longer figure out what was happening in my own family.

" Your Mom... She.. She... It's too heavy ", was all he said and then he kept taking in more bottles of alcohol. I couldn't stop him. I tried to. But then I figured I could just let him pour everything out and he'd be okay.

He even offered me a bottle. I was reluctant at first and I didn't understand why my dad would offer me alcohol but then I figured he just needed a drinking buddy at the moment, not a seventeen-year-old daughter.

Before we both knew it, we were drunk. We staggered out of the bar and started yelling on top of our voices, calling Mom all sorts of names. I didn't want to, but I'm my dad's girl. If Mom hurt him, she deserved it.

" Come on, let's just pick a cab. We can come for the car later on ", I insisted but the stubborn man refused. He said he wasn't going to pay any cab driver when he had his car and could drive us home.

" Dad, but we're drunk. You can't drive ", I kept saying but he laughed his head off and told me to sit and the car and he drove.

I became calm for a moment because he was driving okay. I convinced myself that everything would be fine and we'd go home and I'd find out why Mom hurt Dad so bad.

Then he started speeding." Dad, please slow down . We need to be careful ", I warned but he didn't listen. My heart started racing so fast. I wanted to stop him but I couldn't. He was so out of control, I just had to keep my fingers crossed and hope everything would be fine.

" I love you, Rhea. You know that, right ", he kept saying and I kept telling him I loved him too.

" No matter what, you'll always be my daughter. My treasure. I adore you more than anything, my love ", he said.

" I love you too... ", I wanted to say but I screamed when the blinding lights of a big truck caught us both unawares.

Dad tried to steer away from the truck but it was too late. It collided with our car. Right there, I saw both our lives flashing before our eyes.......

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" Daaad!!!!!! , noooo!!! This can't be true!!!! Dad!!!! It's all my fault!!!!! ", I screamed and cried out as my body shook in terror and fear. He couldn't just leave me. He said he loved me.

It was all my fault. I kept screaming and shaking my head, hitting, moving my body and crying like a mad woman. Noooooo!!!!! I killed Dad. I could have stopped him but I didn't. Now he is gone.

I would never get to hug him, hold him, let him kiss my forehead and embrace me, telling me how much he loved me. I'd never get those countless father-daughter talks and dates we had.

I let him go. Why didn't I die with him? It wasn't possible. Why do I feel like my world is whirling around and finally crashing down at the fact that he's no longer existing?

I hate myself. I let him go and I would never forgive myself for it.