Free Verse Chronicles: Soulful Writings.

Pathetically clingy

Reunited with two old friends, haven't seen them in so long,
Heartache and jealousy, they're singing their same old song,
And they've invited to their gatherings some new companions, too,
Panic attacks and salty pearls, now they're all in my crew.
Two breakups between March and June, a record, can't deny,
Considering I've been in a relationship, almost six years, oh my,
When you think about it, the second one was probably the shortest,
Given my history of long-term bonds and some flings the sweetest.

But expressing my feelings, no matter the love or the kind,
It's never been something I've known how to unwind,
Tonight, all I wanted to say got stuck in my mind,
Fear of rejection, I guess, is what I'm tryna hide.

It's pathetic, oh so pathetic, to hold on like this, isn't it?
Spending days in bed waiting, between tears and sleep, infinite,
I heard it's part of the grieving process, they say,
I've never been good at that, grief's just not my way.

Pathetic, it's just so pathetically clingy, wouldn't you agree?
Drowning my days in sorrow, not the way I wanna be,
They say it's normal to fear chronic abandonment, day by day,
Sometimes it's just part of life, in a subtle, everyday way.
I mean, why cling like this? It doesn't make much sense, right?
To spend my days waiting, crying through the night,
2020 started so promising, I had resolutions and dreams,
Even plans, but Corona crushed 'em, or so it seems.

The feeling that a long love story was coming to its end,
Yet, somehow, that end might be just around the bend,
An urge to get back in shape, finish my book, start that blog,
Travel, live life to the fullest, through every fog.

And even during those four months of lockdown, I felt alive,
More alive than ever, rediscovering love, learning to thrive,
I was having fun and, for the first time in so long,
I had hope, ambition, and dreams I wanted to belong.

But now? Now I'm retreating, shutting myself in even more,
Perhaps more than ever before, closing every door,
This bubble that's been with me for the past fifteen years,
Originally kept me from living, hiding my hopes and fears.
Some say it's just post-breakup depression, that's all,
And maybe it is, to some extent, causing this fall,
But maybe it's more, something I can't quite define,
A feeling that's been with me for a longer time.

It's strange, this sensation, called a "broken heart" so often,
In English, "crushing" feels right, like something that's fallen,
The weight, the pain, it's more than a simple ache or sting,
It's pathetic and silly, but what do I know? I'm just a girl, a human being.

Sharing this on a song, maybe it's not so wise,
But tonight, for the first time in ages, I realized,
I needed to write what I couldn't say to his face,
And now I'm ready to close up, to find my own space.