Heart | N.H.

twenty seven - snow angels

"I just have one question," Callie said, a dead serious expression on her face. I cuddled a pillow to my chest and arched an eyebrow at her, waiting patiently as she methodically twirled her spoon around in the carton of Ben & Jerry's resting on her lap. "Did you for real seriously actually literally-"

"The point, Callie. Get to it," Annika interrupted.

Callie shoved a spoon of ice cream in her mouth and rolled her eyes. "Did you not see it coming?"

I choked on a jellybean. "What do you mean?"

"You're kind of oblivious sometimes, but you're not stupid, Miracle," she said with a shrug. "It was pretty obvious that Niall was falling in love with you."

I hesitated. At the moment when he'd said it, I had been caught completely off-guard. But if I was being honest with myself... "A little bit," I finally admitted. "There were just sometimes when I'd look at him and I'd know. Like, I'd know without knowing. Somewhere in my heart, I labeled the look in his eyes as love, but my brain didn't let the thought form coherence."

"Did your brain let another thought form coherence? You know, like, audible coherence?" When Annika and I simply stared at her, Callie let out a noise of impatience. "Did you tell him that you love him?"

I stared at my hands. "No," I mumbled.

"Why?" asked Annika gently.

I shook my head. After we'd kissed, Niall had seemed too flustered to talk anymore, so we'd bid each other good-bye. At the door, he'd paused on the doorstep and looked up at me. I guess that was his invitation. That was my chance to seize the moment and blurt out the words--but I hadn't. I'd smiled, waved, and shut the door. "I don't know," I said.

"Do you love him? Or are you not sure? Because it's totally okay if you're not sure," added Callie in a rush.

"I know that I love him. I just don't know if I'm in love with him," I said quietly. I could tell that Annika and Callie were slightly frustrated by that response, but I couldn't help it. I hated confrontations of all sorts, and that included confronting my own feelings. "Telling him that... it would change everything."

"I hate to break it to you, but everything has already changed," Callie said softly.

I groaned and tossed my head into Annika's lap. "Why? Why does love have to be so ew?"

"The thing is, it's not really. No matter how hard we try to persuade ourselves into thinking that," she responded, calm and soothing as ever.

I blinked and put my hands over my eyes, peering up through the gaps between my fingers. "Let's focus on someone else's love life."

"Unfortunately for you, mine is nonexistant," Annika said with a sly smile.

"And mine sucks," Callie volunteered, throwing her legs up on the couch.

So the conversation veered off into another topic, forcibly propelled mainly by me, who was quite keen on talking about anything and everything else. We were discussing Callie's latest gymnastics competition when the doorbell rang. "I'll get it!" I announced.

"Well, it is your house," Callie pointed out.

"That's never stopped either of you before," I retorted, flipping my ponytail over my shoulder and shuffling to the foyer. I was surprised to find Maura Horan standing on the doorstep. She was wringing her hands nervously, and seemed to be peering over my shoulder the instant I emerged. "Hi," I greeted her curiously.

A worried pair of eyes met mine. "Is Niall over too?" she asked as Callie and Annika joined me in the doorway.

"No, why? Do you need him?" I asked.