Save me (Phan)

Chapter 1

"Dad! Get off me! Stop please!!" I screamed. 

  He was on top of me, punching me in the gut, head, everywhere. Kicking me like I was a vile, disgusting creature of some sort when actually, that's what HE was. My dad was the biggest hypocrite ever, seriously.   

"Why should I stop when you're a filthy fucking faggot? Don't think I didn't see you holding hands with that boy!" My dad growled at me, still keeping a tight grip on the collar of my shirt.   

I attempted to wriggle out of his grip, just to be knocked down again. I don't even know why I tried to move anyway, as my father was obviously way stronger than a 16 year old pipsqueak like myself.   

"Don't you dare try to run away, Phil! Answer me you little bitch!"   

I received a hard, ruthless slap across the face from him now. I rubbed my cheek lightly, still in shock, and still utterly speechless. I had no idea what to do or say, but I guess it's better to say some random garbage than nothing at all.   

"Dad I'm not gay! I just went out with a girl last night! She's called Rachel and I'll bring her round tomorrow if you don't believe me."   

Obviously, I lied. But I did have a good friend Rachel that would definitely cover for me. Then my dad would believe me and stop bullying me, and stop thinking I'm gay. I hope.   

"I guess we'll fucking see about that, won't we? Now go, get out of my sight. You disgust me."   

His words were cold and almost like venom to me as he spat them out. They killed me on the inside. I wouldn't care what my dad thought about my sexuality, if he didn't abuse me like this.   

But there's nothing I can do.   

I wriggled out of his grip, successfully this time and ran up to the secrete area that is my bedroom, and slammed the door behind me.   

I was planning on cutting, but I felt like such shit that I just passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow.  

I tripped again, and collapsed to the floor. This wasn't anything unusual. I'd gotten so used to things like this, because they happened all the time.   

I was completely alone, so it's not like there was anyone that would stop me, or even care to help. That didn't matter to me anymore though, I've gotten more than used to it.   

So used to it that it actually made me feel better. Just collapsing like this, feeling nothing at all. I'd mostly gotten drunk to where I couldn't even stand properly, and this was always a consequence of it.   

I hated having the flashbacks though, of when I was a teenager. Suffering and having to live with someone who loathed me more than anyone else I ever knew.   

You see I wasn't exactly 'loved' by very many people anyways, but I guess it was pretty unfortunate that my own father had a whole new dimension of hatred towards me.   

My mum always supported me at least, but she became too sick of my dad's insanity too, so she ended up running off. I'll always wonder why she didn't bother taking me with her.   

I heard it was because my dad had threatened to kill her if she tried to take me, but I didn't understand why that'd be so if my dad hated me so much anyway, and couldn't stand to be in my presence.   

That didn't matter to me anymore though, nothing really did. I've made it way past that, which probably isn't good though, considering the state I'm currently in.   

I just get fucked up everyday basically, because then I won't have to face the harsh reality of things, and the fact that I have no one.   

Well, not no one. You see I do have a few friends. Chris, PJ, Carrie, Alex, people like that.   

They knew about what I went through as a teenager, and thankfully they accepted me for who I really was.   

You'd think I'd be okay since I at least had friends who accepted me, and that I finally was able to move out on my own and get away from my abusive father, but it's just not that simple.   

The emotional scarring, the flashbacks, they're all still there. They don't just go away.   

I've been alone since Charlie dumped me a few years ago. The reason he did was what killed me the most. He said it "doesn't feel right being gay" and that he wanted to try and "be normal and find a lady".   

This hurt me so much because it made me feel like it really wasn't acceptable to be gay. The fact that I haven't been able to find anyone else even slightly interested in me is what killed me even more.   

I knew I could never be straight, and really having any interest in being more than friends with a girl at all just didn't even slightly appeal to me. That wasn't who I am. I've grown to accept who I really am, and I can't just pretend that I'm 'normal.' I'm not.   

It's just something you'll always have to live with, I thought to myself. Sadly that was true.   

If I couldn't find someone that would truly respect and love me for who I am, then I wouldn't want to 'always have to live with myself.'  

So many negative thoughts swirled around in my head, and stabbed me in the heart as I tried to stand up again and reach for another bottle of vodka.   

All I can do is try to drink my emptiness away, so I can pass out and do it all over again the next day.   This is the side of me that my subscribers had no idea about whatsoever. Yes, my subscribers. I'm a youtuber, a pretty decent one if I do say so myself.   

Well not the greatest though, I'm no Smosh or anything like that. But I still had a load of fans that loved me, and that pleased me. You'd think that would make me a happy person too, and make me forget about a lot of the negative things in my life, but it really doesn't. I still felt more alone than ever, and I was. I am.   

I wish I could fix this easily so that I didn't have to always be this way, and so people close to me wouldn't have to see me like this. But it's gotten to the point where pretty much no one knows what to do. Especially not me. I have no idea. All I can do is hope for the best, if I can even find the courage within myself to do so.   

You see, I put on this act that everything is okay, but it never is. Only a couple of my friends knew the real me, and those friends were Chris and PJ.   

"Yeah then why don't you get together with one of them?" Is what you're probably thinking. But it's not that simple. Of course, they both have girlfriends. Becky and Jessica. They are very nice girls, don't get me wrong. I'm actually fairly close with them too.   

The thing is, with PJ, I used to have a pretty huge crush on him a while back, about a year ago. That itself was a mistake. The bigger mistake though, was me telling him.   

He got very creeped out and defensive at first, but then he grew to accept me, and we're still friends now. Obviously, he wasn't the least bit gay so, we didn't give anything a chance together.   

It's been far too long since ANYONE has given me a chance, but it'll be even longer before anyone does. I'll only have to wait forever, because it will never fall into place for me. I guess I've grown to accept that.   

I crashed to the floor, and passed out drunk for the night, as usual.