Save me (Phan)

Chapter 7

I finally woke up at about 8pm. Wow, another day wasted. I had literally slept all damn day. That's what happens when you get terribly drunk the previous night, kids. But that's not all that can happen.   

I just got a deluxe pizza delivered to my flat, because I was in absolutely no mood to cook something, and obviously just didn't feel like it. At least my stomach was finally settled enough to be able to handle pizza. That was a plus.   

I sat down on the sofa, with the pizza box in my lap, and began to flip through the channels on TV. Blades Of Glory, Saw 3, Scary Movie 4, same old shit. I liked those films, yeah, but I just wasn't in the mood to watch them again now.   

I gave up and turned off the TV, and grabbed my laptop as an alternative. You can always turn to the Internet. Always. Endless possibilities, and endless solutions for boredom always lie within the Internet.   

I went to twitter as soon as I opened google chrome. Not necessarily on purpose, as it was really just a habit at this point.   

I took another bite of my 5th slice of pizza as I scrolled through my timeline, trying not to get pizza grease from my hands all over my laptop, but realizing it was inevitable. I stopped scrolling as I averted my eyes to one of Dan's tweets, which was only posted 2 minutes ago.   

"Just got home... Man I'm beat. I should probably get an early night. Tonight was great with my girl though <3" I read his tweet in my head, dropping my slice of pizza back in the box because I just lost my appetite after that. My stomach literally turned. I felt it.   

Yeah, he didn't go into detail or anything, he just said he had a great night with her. That's nothing abnormal. Couples are supposed to have great nights together. It's not like I didn't realize that. But when you see something as simple as this, said by someone you really like, it hurts you every time, no matter what. And it did, it really hurt me.   

Hurting was an understatement, actually. It felt like someone had a perfectly sharp samurai sword that they sliced into my heart with, until it was in a billion scattered bits. Not physically, but emotionally. The blood of mine that was metaphorically spilling out everywhere was representation of not only how scattered my thoughts were, and how lost I felt, but also how I infected everything and everyone around me. That blood, or my feelings, would eventually catch someone's attention, and concern them. It couldn't be hidden. And that's how I was. That metaphor may seem confusing but it just means that, a lot of times, I just can't hide the pain anymore.  Emotional pain can hurt way worse than physical pain sometimes, and this was a perfect example of that.   

I tried to breathe slowly, in and out, and hopefully calm myself down. I was shaking and sweating a bit, and the last thing I wanted was for this to result in a panic attack.   

Why, Phil? This isn't even that difficult of a situation. This isn't worth panicking over. Calm down. All you have to do is try and talk to Dan, and be cool. That's all.   

I tried reasoning with myself, as I stood up and began pacing without even fully realizing.   

I walked into the bathroom, and I bent down into the sink and turned the water on, to wet my face. I let the droplets of water soak into my skin for a few seconds. I had to try and cool down, just for the sake of my sanity.  It helped ease my tension, but I really wished it would soak into my brain and be able to solve my inner conflicts. I leant up to grab a towel and dry my face, looking into my own eyes through the mirror as I stood there.   

I tried to sort of observe myself, as I just didn't look the same. There were bags under my eyes, my hair was disheveled (that's normal though), my lips were cracking, my skin color looked dull. I was just feeling shit, and now I started looking it, too. Oh well. Might as well look like shit when I feel like it, because me trying to appear happy wasn't working so convincingly lately anyways.   

I stepped out of the bathroom after I flicked the light off, and sat back down in front of my laptop. The tweet was still on the screen, as I was too busy breaking down to look though anything else at the time. That horrible, painful-to-even-look-at tweet was killing me even when I wasn't looking at it. It hurt me so much that I didn't forget a word it said.   

I sighed heavily and scrolled to the top, to read all the new tweets.   

Another one from Dan was there, and of course I couldn't help that my eyes darted towards it first. I was just interested in what he had to say, and I had to know what was going on with him. I don't really need to explain why, I'm sure.   

"I just, don't know. I'm scared. I don't know what to do." it read.   

Why could he be scared? Was he scared about something with Kayla? Had he planned to skydive and was now having second thoughts??? Was he maybe... scared to talk to me? Most likely not. But I just don't even know, either.    

I decided that I could maybe use this as a way to talk to him. He knows I follow him, and I obviously see his tweets... So I could just DM him and ask him what's wrong. Right? That couldn't be too bad. The worst that could happen is him not wanting to talk about it, which is actually reasonable.   

I continued to just sit there and let my mind wander for a couple more minutes. It wasn't just because I was afraid and had no idea what to do, but I just was so... Easily-distracted when I had a lot on my mind. Of course I was sort of scatter-brained and childish for my age, but that's not the entire reason for my state of mind. It's not like this was exactly a normal situation, and it sure as hell wasn't easy.   

I wanted more than anything at this moment to be able to just be a man, and take action by taking to Dan. I had to pluck up the courage somehow, but it was kind of hard to just go "hey what's wrong?" when I'm the one who he cheated on his girlfriend with. It was pretty obvious that I was part of the problem, which is even more of a reason why I wanted to avoid talking to Dan until I had to tomorrow.   

It's not like he knew about that either, since Jessica basically just convinced me to go with them. I felt pretty confident at the time, so of course I agreed to it. My brain wanted to have second thoughts right now, but my rationality told the second thoughts that I had to step up and talk to Dan at the club like I was planning to. I didn't care, I need to try and get this resolved so that's what I need to do. That's settled.   

I was still concerned about what was happening with him right now, though. I felt like if we were meant to be close, I should still be there for him, even in this awkward time. I understand if he doesn't reply or whatever, but it's worth a shot.   

I clicked on his profile and went to send him a DM. My fingers began to type the words my brain thought sounded like the right thing to say, "hey Dan, what's-" delete delete delete. "I saw your tweets, and-" nope. Backspace backspace backspace. I just didn't want to sound weird to him.   

"Are you alright Dan?" Sent. Short, sweet, simple. I obviously wasn't going to tell him that I was stalking his tweets, because I wanted to sound concerned, not like a weirdo.   

I just blankly stared at the computer screen as the clock kept on ticking, anxiously waiting for even a single word from Dan. It felt like an eternity, but it was only a minute before he replied. He actually replied.   

Without hesitating, I opened the message, and it read "I think so. I'm just confused. Don't worry x".

Confused... Dan, confused... Hmm... "Why confused? You can tell me" I sent.

I just wanted him to know that he could be open with me. It's not like I knew what he was doing, if he was with anyone, if he was drunk, or anything like that. Those things could effect his responses, but I didn't over-think all that too much. I'd talk to him properly tomorrow, so I wasn't gonna stress myself out excessively.   

"People... A lot of things really. It'll sort itself out I'm sure. I'm gonna try to sleep though. See you tomorrow x"  

oh, mysterious Daniel. People are usually the problem, so what he said told me nothing, but it's obvious he wanted it that way. He knows that I'm gonna see him tomorrow though? Ah, Jessica or PJ or someone must've told him. Oh well, I just hope that doesn't make it any more awkward.