2:56 :: h.s

quarante neuf

{ Trigger Warning }

14:59

I finally pull out of the school parking lot.

My English teacher stopped and talked to me for a moment about my lack of participation these past couple of weeks.
We joked about how graduation was on Saturday and she just asked that I join the class more than I do.

I hit shuffle on my music and skip a few songs until I'm met with The 1975.
I drum against the steering wheel to the beat.

But, she can't be what you need if she's seventeen . .

A few songs later, I'm in my driveway.
Before I meet Rae at the swing, I throw my backpack inside and eat a bowl of cereal.

The weather is lovely today.
Jeans were definitely the way to go.

I hear birds chirping and take a deep breath of fresh air.

This doesn't feel right.

I spread apart the tall grass and step into the cleared space.

Rae is sitting on the swing when I walk in.
A smile crosses her face and I return the gesture.
She stands up to sit with me on the grass.

"How was your day?" She asks.

I shrug, "pretty good. Yours?"

"Same."

Rae picks at the grass beneath her feet.

She's nervous.

"Hey," I say and she looks at me. I grab her hand, "it's okay."

Her eyes avert to my hand covering hers and I can tell that she wishes she could feel it.

"I feel like you're the thing that's holding me back." She states bluntly.

I furrow my eyebrows and am taken aback.

"While I was away, I went to my friends' and my parents' houses and they don't even seem upset anymore. They don't stop to look at the pictures of me on their walls like they used to. They've moved on with their lives."

"And you think it's me that's stopping you from moving on?"

She moves her hand from mine. "I want to get out of here."

I feel my heart break into million of pieces.

It's my fault?
How can this be my fault?

I feel the ice begin to corse through my veins as Rae holds my face between her hands.

"You have to let me go, Harry."

Tears form in my eyes and Rae catches them before they fall.

"I can't."

Her eyes fill with sadness
I know this is hurting her just as much as it's hurting me.

"I'm begging y-"

"I love you!" I shout and remove her hands from my face.

The tears begin to fall.
Rae covers her mouth, a natural habit.

"You sucked the life out of me, now you're asking me to let you go? Are you insane? You practically took my soul for yourself, Rae! I can't just let you go."

"Harry, you can. Please, I will give everything I took from you back . . . If you let me go."

"You can't make me fall in love with you and then tell me that I have to let you go! Have you been lying to me? Do you even fucking love me?" I practically scream.

"Of course I do! I'm just asking you to let me go! I was supposed to be dead and gone a year ago, but no! My parents had to feel like shit for what they did to me, then as soon as they forgave themselves, you came in and held me back! I've told you this before, I want to move on! I don't want to be here anymore! I killed myself to get away from here, but I'm basically stuck here until you let go of me or until you die! Fuck, you're going to college, Harry! You will find someone who will love you and make you feel warm and breathe life into you. Not someone who chills you to the bone and takes every last breath from you."

"If I'm going to college and if I'll meet someone, then why can't we hold on to what we have while it's still here? You didn't have to talk to me! If I remember correctly, you were the one who snuck into my house and told me that you just wanted someone to talk to! You can't blame me for this!"

"Because it will hurt too much to watch you with another girl . . . You fell in love with me, Harry."

"Yeah, and?"

She shakes her head. "I wish you were apart of my life. Not my death."

"Maybe my dad should have cheated on my mom sooner," I say, sarcasm thick in my voice.

"That's not what I'm saying, and you know it."

I begin pacing.
Somewhere in the mess, we stood up and stepped away from each other.
I tug at my hair.

"Life and death aren't supposed to get along."

She steps toward me and takes my hands out of my hair.
She holds my face like its the most fragile thing she's ever touched.

"Then let me go."

I can't.