The Unsolvable Equation

Twenty-seven

How do you write an apology

Do you pour out your feelings

word

at

a

Let the impact of tension built up over time

slowly sink in

Or do you rush it out at once,

Do you conjure up poetry

Prose, a love song

Or do you cry,

Do you ride on the guilt that has been building up  

Do you turn the tables

Do you go by the pages of the book

Do you speak the right words

Or will you speak the truth

WHY apologize?

Why apologize for being human?

For making mistakes?

For the cracks, the errors, the imperfections?

Is it to hide a cowardly facade?

Is it to free the soul,

chained behind the walls of guilt?

WHO are you apologizing to?

Whose soul are you appeasing?

The person you have hurt?

Or are you just apologizing to yourself

For what you have been unable to

Do

.

______________________________________________________________________________

With the French trip less than two weeks away, Alexia’s mother went into overdrive trying to make sure she was prepared. They looked through Alexia’s closet twice, trying to pick out clothes that might spare her from the fashion police in France, but ended up finding that Alexia had outgrown most of her winter wear.

“How much could you possibly have grown in one year?” Her mother asked, exasperated, as they threw out another shrunken sweater.

“I have other clothes, Mom, relax. I won’t freeze to death,” Alexia replied, wishing that her mother would stop worrying over such trivial matters.

“No, you might not freeze from the cold, but you very well might from the glares you’re going to be getting when you look like Damien Hirst’s latest art piece in Paris!” her mother deadpanned, brushing the pile of incompetent clothes to the side.

“Mom, you’re overreacting!”

“Trust me, Alexia, you’re going to thank me when you get to Paris,” her mother grabbed her by the arm and dragged her out the door.

“Where are we going?”

“Shopping, you didn’t think new clothes would pop out of thin air, did you?” her mother shook her head at her and Alexia wondered why recently everyone had been treating her like she had miraculously lost her brain.

“But I have so many more important things to do! Shopping is such a wast-” her mother shot her a look that basically gave her two choices: shut up, or risk triggering a volcano eruption, and Alexia sure as hell did not want her mother to blow up right now.

So she quietly complied and sat in the car while her mother fretted over other matters, pushing her patience to the limit. She had to bite down her tongue so often to keep from rebutting, that she could have sworn she actually tasted blood.

“Do you know how to board the plane alone? How are you going to figure out how to buy food in a foreign country? Are you going to have enough money? What if you get lost? Do you need me to come alone with you?”

Alexia suppressed an eyeroll. “Mother, calm down! I’ll be fine! I’m not a child anymore. I can handle quantum physics, I can handle a plane ride and a holiday in the midst of other students and teachers, and some rather capable in French, I might add.”

She offered her mother a reassuring smile and followed her into the departmental store. Alexia watched as her mother, who had been reluctant to fork out so much as a dollar in the past, ran wild and tossed every sweater, every jacket, hell, everything that was made of a fabric of some sort and covered up a decent amount of skin, at her. They ended up with a pile of clothes and a bill that felt like a stab to Alexia’s chest.

“Mom,” Alexia hissed. “We can’t afford this. I don’t even need these many clothes!”

“Nonsense,” her mother waved her comments away. “If your father isn’t going to be present for most of your life, at least his credit card should be. And besides, who knows when you’ll get such an opportunity again!”

Slowly, a smile crept onto Alexia’s face, and the realization that her mother was finally letting her hair down and stepping a little out of line after so many years dawned on her. I like this change, she thought. Finally mom’s getting to have a little fun.

“Mom your wardrobe needs a little upgrading, too,” Alexia suggested. If I get to have a whole pile of new clothes, then why shouldn’t my mother?

“You know what, you’re right! It does,” her mother agreed, grinning.

“Yeah, when was the last time Dad bought something nice for you?” She played along and now the both of them were standing in the middle of the aisle, looking like they had just won the lottery and formulated a murder plan.

“Today,” her mother replied, winking.

They didn’t empty out her father’s entire bank account, but a significant portion that her mother calculated should amount to all the years her missed out. Then, they left the store hand in hand, like the happy-go-lucky mother-daughter pair from the perfect family from the perfect TV show. They were laughing and smiling and attracted stares and whispers from strangers that dripped of envy. Alexia felt lighter than she had in weeks, and so did her father’s wallet, but she wasn’t sorry at all.

Notes: I know this chapter is pretty shitty but pls bear with us, it was crucial for plot and character development. You’ll see why later (i hope) And please excuse the shitty poetry, deepest apologies