Our Love: The Ups And Downs..

Message 4

You know what Angelo when you confessed a big part of me was scared and yet some part hopeful of what idk but it was there. I Dont want a relationship at least that's what I believe not because its not something I thought about but because I know it probably wouldn't work out. Right now sadly I've been questioning our friendship. Ever since I seen those messages, on that I'm sorry for invading your privacy, but I didn't let on how much that really hurt... I would never no matter what I want from a person put you down like that whether I thought you'd find out or not. And so many times I've found myself giving more to people than they do to me and I told myself I won't tolerate that anymore, but I know even though that's how it came off you didn't mean it that way, well I sincerely hope you didn't and for that reason I've been quiet a lot lately because so much is going through my head its quite overwhelming..... No lie your confession bothered me, yea we basically feeling the same way towards each other yet with me because I'm so torn over our situation I won't actively seek out a relationship with someone else, or start something with someone else out of respect for you as well as that other person... When I thought more on it I realized that even though you didn't ask me it was somewhat implied that right now because your new to whatever it is you Dont want to hurt me and stuff but to me I can't help but see that as an excuse, and this is just adding onto my doubts of the balance of our friendship because with me I love you first and foremost as my best friend just for that no matter what temptation comes my way I will put your feelings into consideration first something you seem to really think you'd have a problem with so can you understand why I have questions about our friendship? For example with Terrell we were home alone for a while before you came home, in actuality I could have had him over without you even knowing but I didn't, temptation right there but I chose our friendship over a quick thrill and sadly idk of you'd do the same thats what hurts and bothers me..I don't know if you noticed but I haven't been that into sex lately and idk why, a big part of me believes I'm protecting myself, because if we continue to have sex what if I think more of it than you and you move on yet I'm stuck in the wind... The reason I was so quiet this morning was because i had a dream, that when we had the fellowship at the house I caught you and synn having sex in my room, I woke up heart beating almost close to tears, and I couldn't go back to sleep just up thinking about it... Idk why maybe its because yesterday when me and Eric were on the topic of faasa and Central campus she came up. He didn't know I knew her and his impression was that y'all was talking and you told him you'd tell me if it get serious, yet to me you told me I didn't have to worry because she has a boyfriend, or maybe its just my gut feeling that telling me its more then your letting on or maybe its just my jealousy but that's what had me bothered when I woke up...I can only assume and correct me if I'm wrong that when you say your new to this its about sex and because you haven't experienced it really with just me you don't want to start something with me because you've been in plenty relationships, but I guess you have to learn for yourself that sex is just that sex, there is no substance in the sex only in the bond and relationship you have with that person, ultimately what I trying to say is I'll give it time so both of us can work out this mess but I'm not gonna wait around until you feel I'm good enough because I think I deserve more and I Dont want you to think this is me pressuring you into something this is just me letting everything out because I'm tired of holding it in and because like I said my thoughts can be overwhelming.. So this isn't me making any decision this is just me trying to get you to understand where my minds been lately and stuff...