The Boy She Left Behind ✓

Chapter 17

Hey guys! I'm sorry for my one week hiatus. I just couldn't get up the motivation to write last week with all the pressure from studies and all. *sighs*
Anyways, you guys need not worry about my life. :)
To make up for last week, I'll update chapter 18 in a few hours so there you go: my little treat for you all! ^_^
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I breathed in deeply, held in my breath for a couple of seconds, and then exhaled.

Second last voicemail, that's what I was down to now. This was my second last chance to get a grip on myself; my second last hope to hold on to whatever slivers of sanity I had left; my second last minutes of solitude before I'd have to go out and face the inevitable – face him.

In the last couple of messages Mathew had gone from being a hopeless husband to a hopeful shop owner. Blue jewel – that's what he had named his book store. I was only hoping the name did not hint at the hidden meaning I thought it did. Apart from that he had fully moved into his flat, a red-brick structure quite near to my own compound. He also frequented the cafe every other morning, sat there with a cup of steaming black tea in his hand until I showed up for my daily run.

So even though he had built a life for himself here in Lincoln, his life was still at a standstill. Though he'd run around town on his own accord and make every message sound as hopeful as may be, the fact that he never stopped waiting with his heart in his hand for me didn't slip my notice.

I sighed and finally played the second last voicemail. I played the second last string of words that I wouldn't be forced to reply to instantly. Holding the phone against my ear, I listened to my second last chance to decide.

Voicemail of 17th March' 2016

06:59 p.m.

"Good evening, love."

Instinctively I found my lips curling upwards in a rather sad smile. Hurtful and distracting as may be, his words and his voice had started to become soothing to me sometime in the last couple of messages.

"Guess what, I got invited to a boy's night out tonight. Though I agree I'm not a young lad anymore."

He chuckled lightly.

I found myself wondering if he really had aged – is it called aging when your mind and soul are stuck in time as they wait for someone, but your body grows old.

I think not...

"But yeah... boy's night out is what it's traditionally called.

"Me, Alex and Daniel will be the one's going, though I do recall Dan saying something about inviting some other guys from his office. The more the merrier, they say anyhow.

"I just hope no one will try to set me up with some bimbo this time around. I swore to Alex that I'd shove a knife up his arse if he ever were to do such a thing again."

I felt a pang in the base of my stomach and my fingers curled into a fist around the phone's body. Jealousy, that's what I was feeling and I wasn't ashamed of the emotion anymore – jealousy and anger were the two emotions I wasn't fearful of, unlike another certain sentiment.

Quite vividly I could recall the voicemail in which Mathew had cursed enough to do a sailor proud after he was forced into a blind-date by his new friends.

"You know, I just wish they could see that I'm happy the way I am. I don't need any other girl to make me happy! I have... you..."

He sighed and so did I.

This was the part of his messages which I hated. My memory loss or lack of knowledge of his existent was not my fault. I couldn't be held accountable for anything. If there was any one person in this whole mess who wasn't to blame, then that was me. And yet... the weight of guilt and anger and frustration was drowning me only.

"Or well... at least I have our past and our future, if not the present. That is enough for me, love. God if just someone could make those idiots understand it all."

His breathy laugh filled the speaker as another tear rolled down my eyes. One would think there's a limit to how many tears someone can shed in a day. Not.

"Still I can't get myself to be mad at them much. The wankers are after all just looking out for me.

"So yeah, I should start getting changed if I plan on reaching the bar in time. Early goodnight wish, Ems. I love you."

I sighed, of course you do.

Though that wasn't the great enigma now, was it? No, the obvious question was in regards to my feelings...

Watching the seconds tick by on the clock, I realised that maybe the bigger question was whether I was too afraid to admit to my feelings and do what in actuality was the right thing. 
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Lyrics for song "Find me" by Boyce avenue:

So many nights trying to hide it
But now I stay awake just pleading for more
To think this heart was divided
I'm losing sleep cause I can't ignore...

Feeling your touch all around
Peacefully hearing the sound
Of silence around us, I'm so glad we found us this way

Find me, here in your arms
Now I'm wondering where you've always been
And blindly, I came to you
Knowing you'd breathe new life from within

I can't get enough of you

I want to be where you are
In times of need I just want you to stay
I leave a note on your car
When I can't find the right words to say

Hearing your voice all around
The last place we're going is down
I'll blindly follow, knowing you're leading the way
Yeahhh

Find me, here in your arms
Now I'm wondering where you've always been
And blindly, I came to you
Knowing you'd breathe new life from within

With you in time
There's nothing else
My life stands still
You are the will, that makes me strong
Make me strong
If ever alone in this world I know I'll always...

Find me, here in your arms
Now I'm wondering where you've always been
And blindly, I came to you
Knowing you'd breathe new life from within
Ooh and you sleep, here in my arms
Where the world just shuts down for awhile
And blindly, you came to me
Finding peace and belief in this smile
Find some peace and belief in this smile
Well find some peace and belief in this smile

I can't get enough of you.
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Not much to say more in this A.N...

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Love you all regardless of anything at all,
-zainab