The Boy She Left Behind ✓

Chapter 18

The metallic body of the mobile phone was clutched tightly in-between my stone cold, shivering hands. Ten minutes I had sat there on my bed, maintaining the exact same posture, trying to steady the sporadic beating of my heart, or at least my breathing. Ten minutes later, I wasn't any further from having a panic attack than I was before. It's just a stupid voicemail. What harm can it possibly do to me? I'm just being foolish, there's nothing to worry about... such was the mantra that I had been chanting to myself to get a grip on my nerves, also to no avail.

Finally it dawned on me that I wasn't being foolish and there was something to be worried about; my decision, which I was yet to reach, to be specific.

Sighing loudly, I placed the phone beside me on the bed. I wrung my hands a few times, blowing into them in an attempt to make them warm. Squeezing my eyes shut for a second to regain some ounce of composure, I hurriedly reached for the phone and pressed play – it was now or never.

Voicemail of 21st March' 2016

09:37 a.m.

"Good morning, beautiful.

"And I know for a fact that you are looking quite ravishing today's fine morning since I just saw you a few minutes ago."

There was a cheerful skip in his tone. A certain hope in it that seeped out of his melodious voice and into my heart, warming it from the inside even in such a desperately disturbing time.

"So might I just say, my love, you swayed my heart away."

He chuckled and so did I, despite my best self-control. Sitting here in my slightly dark room, I could imagine the shy smirk decorating his lips – the trademark smirk that only he was capable of pulling off.

If anything then his voicemails were further hardening this decision making endeavour for me.

Suddenly I stopped as a thought rose in my head: Or were his messages actually making the answer all the more clear? Was it becoming harder because the answer was one I didn't want?

"Ah, aren't I poetic, Ems? Well, I should rightfully be considering how big of a day today is!

"It's my birthday, love. And you have just given me the loveliest gift possible!"

I took the phone away from my ear and squinted at the screen to carefully read off the date for the voicemail – 21st March. Something pinged in the back of my mind, telling me there was something I should be remembering but couldn't.

"You saw me, Ems! Really, saw me today!"

I froze. My breathing stopped, my heartbeat stopped, everything stopped.

Of course he was talking about that day in the cafe when I had noticed him, of course!

Now I was effectively drowning in guilt. That event was something I had cast off as amusing yet not immensely important, and here he was claiming for it to be the most important one to ever exist. It was the day when I had finally seen him; when finally his time in isolation as a shadow in the background had come to an end.

And I had not bothered to think five times around of it. Safe to say, self-loathing was an abundant emotion coursing through my veins then.

"I was just there in the cafe, minding my own business as I read a new arrival from my shop while I waited for you to show up. When you arrived I sat the book down and started staring at you, as subtly and inconspicuously that I could.