Electric Impulse

chapter 46 | dare to dream

Present Day

I drive home, immersed in a complicated myriad of emotions that swirl into a whirlwind of confusion. I don't know if I'm coming or going. With vacant eyes, I stare at the dotted white and solid yellow lines of the lanes that run before me.

What does my future look like now? What's the truth? The whole truth? How could I be so blind? Is there an explanation for all of this? There are always two sides. Is Phoenix that guy? Is he that low down and dirty? Does he care anything about me? What's the point of taking a girl through something like this? For the fun of it? Am I, his plaything? His side piece? What does being pregnant feel like? What kind of mom would I be? Am I really having this baby? How far along am I? Is this how Aya felt? All along while she was going through her battle, questioning if she should keep her baby, I was sitting right alongside her, just as pregnant as she was. Life is crazy sometimes. Now, I'm left to decide the fate of an innocent, unborn child that never asked for any of this. What do I do about it? Could I do what Aya did? Could I abort this baby and walk away from it all? Who am I? What am I prepared to do?

Aya's words echo in my mind. 'Know yourself. Never, ever lie to yourself.'

Exhausted with all these questions and no answers, I turn on the radio hoping for a good song to take my mind off everything and that's when I hear it. Like a ton of bricks, it hits me. The air gets heavier and a somber feeling invades the car. "Don't Dream It's Over" by Crowded House plays on the radio. It takes me back to that fateful day, to my five-year-old self listening to this song on repeat, waiting for my Dad to show as I sat on that wooden nook in our living room.

Mama did everything she could to distract me. She knew he wasn't coming back. She wanted to shield me from the pain but I was determined. I waited that whole day until somehow, I fell asleep on that hard thing. It wasn't a peaceful sleep. In the middle of the night, I woke up in a terror, balling my eyes out, calling for my daddy. I forgot he was gone. I ran through the house, crying, screaming for him. I felt so afraid and so alone, running in the dark.

He never came to my rescue. Mama found me in the basement, searching for him behind old boxes. She scooped me up and held me tight. I cried for what seemed like hours. There was nothing she could do. She gave me a glass of warm milk and made a bath. She washed my back and sang softly to me until I grew tired from the grief. Too tired to cry. She put me in fresh nighties, carried me to bed, and tucked me in. That's how I ended up in my own bed.

The next day, I swore I'd never stop waiting for him, no matter how bad it hurt. I made a promise that I'd always keep my family together. Forever. Nothing could ever separate us. Not if I could help it . . . .

Before I know it, I've parallel parked in front of my house. It's like I'm on autopilot. A new song comes on, immediately I turn the radio off.

Family over everything. It's the one unchangeable thing I know. There are no two sides to this coin. I've got my answer. I must protect this baby. I can't abandon it. Not like he did me. I'll never do that to my child.

I'll do whatever it takes to keep my family together, to keep Phoenix, to make sure this child has the father I never had. I get out of the car, cringing at the crushed passenger doors. Feeling the need to write, I fumble for my keys. I get inside, pull out my journal and a pen and sink into the comfort of my couch.

What if? What if it wasn't so complicated? What if the choice was an easy one? One that felt right? What would that feel like?

Journal Entry 399:

Potentiality

The Moon's face and nocturnal waves

Control my state, determine our fate

As patiently we wait

For the score

You hold me deep, deep in my sleep

Our promise, safe and warm we keep

From floating too far away

From the shore

We can't be certain, but it's enthralling to dream

Exhilarating to think of what could be

If this is truly, truly a thing

A family forever more

Your breath on my neck, hands intertwined

We envision a life, together through time

Imagine the scenes of life passing by

As we three, walk through the door

God, that's such a beautiful thought. I wish it were that easy. Am I ready for motherhood? I mean, I couldn't even keep goldfish alive. What kind of mother will I be? Will he be there? How can I think about a life with him after all this? Look at what he's done. If what Sheila said is true, he's betrayed me worse than even Sebastian. I hate him for putting me in this position. 

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A/N: Hey Lovers! If you've gotten this far, that's so awesome. Let's celebrate! I want to thank you for sticking it out with me, allowing my story to develop. Please remember to vote for your girl! Or you'll see me by the side of the highway holding up a sign: WILL WORK FOR VOTES! Don't force me to go that far! Cause I will (somebody hold me back). I Will! :-)

I'm dedicating this chapter to @Bella1616 She's a vocal reader and I thoroughly enjoyed her comments. This chapter's for you!