Miss Moving On

~7~

Ces stopped the car. I froze as I looked at the ground. I felt numb. I cannot feel anything. It seems like Im lost in a dark place not knowing where to run. Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakababa ng sasakyang yun.

I stood there. I dont know where Im at. Im tired of waiting. Hoping where to find what Ive been chasing the last three years of my life. And it all ended here. I felt a tear escape from my eyes as the wind blow against me. It got my hair flying but it sent me more tears on my eyes.

I looked down and saw the the gray marble rock with fallen leaves of the tree. I slowly read thr name imprinted on that thing. And I cried even louder while reading it. Why the heck is his name in here?

Anong nangyari? Bakit sya nandito? Bakit wala akong alam? Bakit...bakit walang nagsabi sakin?

Tinakpan ko ang bibig ko para subukang pigilan ang sarili ko sa pag-iyak. But it didnt do anything. It didnt even helped me. I keep sobing until she speaks. Answering all the questions that are being asked by my mind. All the frustrations I had.

"It has always been you Ai. It's just that...he cant afford to see you sufferring. He loves you so much that he cannot let himself hurt you"

"Sinaktan nya ako nung araw na nakipaghiwalay sya sakin. Do you how much that hurts???"

"I dont know Ai. But something has to be done. Ayaw nyang umalis ng ala ala mong umiiyak ang dadalhin nya. Mas gugustuhin pa nyang wag kang makita. Atleast, hindi magiging ganun kahirap ang pag-alis nya"

"He's so unfair"

"Yes. So unfair. But I want you to know na lumaban sya Ai. Lumaban sya with the hope na kakayanin nya at babalikan ka nya. Sabi pa nga nya, he'll marry you. Pag gumaling sya, babalikan ka nya at pakakasalan ka nya. But I guess, ganun ka cruel ang buhay. Kahit katiting na pag asang meron ka, kinakain pa nya"

Tiningnan ko si Ces ngayon. She smiled at me and hugged me. "Sorry. Sorry kung di namin sinabi sayo. It was his wish."

Mas lalo tuloy akong naiyak habang nakatingin pa din sa kulay abong bagay na iyon. He died three years ago. And I was spending the last three years of my life unconciously mourning for him.

"Sorry" Ces said while breaking the hug. "You're always welcome to visit him. I bet he's been waiting for this since that day"

"Can I ask you a favor?"

"Anything"

"Pede mo ba akong iwan dito mag isa?" another tear escape from my eyes.

"You sure ok ka lang?"

"I will. Soon"

Narinig ko na lang ang pag alis ng sasakyan nya saka napaupo na lang sa harapan ng grave ni Jayden. I did not imagine this. All this time, akala ko he was with Ces. Yung bata kahapon, carbon copy nya. But it was his brother's son. How stupid of me.

Bakit Jayden? Sasamahan naman kita ah. I'll fight with you. I'll fight with death just to have you again. But you left me unannounced.

I stayed at the cemetery for almost the whole day. I keep on crying hoping that one tims, it will stopped. But I guess I have too many liquid in my body that it cannot drain that much. I feel so weak.

"Hello?" sabi ng boses sa kabilang linya. I bit my lips so that he wont hear me sobbing but he still did.

"Stop crying Ai. Please" sabi nya.

"Pede mo ba akong sunduin? I just need you now Cas" umiiyak kong sabi sa kanya.

"Where are you?" kalmado nyang tanong sakin.

"North Cemetery" matipid kong sagot sabay baba ng telepono. Tiningnan ko muli ang grave ni Jayden. Salamat sa lahat. You brought the best and worst in me. Sana, makita kita kapag nakarating na ako dyan. And I would love to talk things about your journey there.

Napatingin na lang ako sa sasakyang humaharurot papunta sakin. Niluwa nun si Cas na bakas ang pag aalala sa mukha nya. He looks so worried but still has a very handsome face. I was once fooled by that face. I was once a fan of his smile. I was once a fool for him.

Niyakap ko si Cas. Crying on his shiulder made me feel relieved. I know he's always ready for this. I just need a hug from someone. At tama nga ako na si Cas ang napili ko.

I just need to run away. I just need to find someone. I just need to make myself complete again.

"Iahahatid na kita sa condo mo" sabi nya saka ako pinasakay sa sasakyan nya.

"Thank you" sabi ko. I closed my eyes and let myself drift to sleep. I need sleep. That badly.

Nagising ako sa amoy ng kape. Umaga na pala. Matagal na pala akong natutulog.

"Wake up sleeping beauty" narinig kong sabi ni Ate Cam. Nasan si Cas?

"Where's Cas?" bigla kong natanong.

"Work. Today, ipapasa na sa kanya ang business nila. You should be proud. Your best friend is living his dreams" sabi sakin ni ate sabay alok ng kape.

"Im sorry. I should have told you. But everytime na sinusubukan ko, napapaurong ako. I dont want to see suffer again. The pain is just unbearable Sis. Sana naiintindihan mo" binaba nya ang kape sa side yable at umupo din sa kama. Hinawakan nya ang kamay ko saka ngumiti.

"Hindi lahat ng bagay na gusto natin nakukuha natin. Hindi dahil hindi para satin yun. Kundi dahil we deserved better"

"Alam ko. I should have realized that before. Yesterday, maghapon akong nakatingin sa grave nya. Inaalala lahat ng magagandang bagay na pinagsamahan namin. Alam kong hindi nya gustong umiiyak ako. I understand him Ate. Kaya lang...sana sinabihan man lang nya ako. Para hindi ako mukang tanga na umaasa babalik pa sya"

"You just go and Move on"

"Soon Ate."

---

Three months na ang nakararaan ng malam ko ang totoo. Well, nakatulong sakin ng malaki yun. Mas madali akong naka move on.

I and Cas are back on being the wierd best friends. Napag usapan namin na hindi pa ito ang tamang time para sa usapang masinsinan tulad ng love.

Naging successful din ang debut fashion show ko. Mas dumami ang clients ko at may show na ulit ako sa susunod na dalawang buwan. Everything in my life is going right. Wala na akong ibang mahihiling pa.

 "Cas, pick me up. Dont forget!" paalala ko sa kanya ng tinawagan ko sya.

"Oo na po. Di ko kakalimutan. Noted na!" natatawa nyang sabi sakin.

"Ok! Bye!" huminga ako ng malalim at pinagmasdan ang mga tao sa paligid ko. All of them are so busy preparing for the fashion week. I just want to thank every single person na naging bahagi ng buhay ko for the past couple of months. Kundi dahil sa kanila, malamang wala ako dito ngayon.

I decided to go out and buy myself a coffee. I found myself sitting at the nearest starbucks sa may office. I have been sitting there for almost half an hour ng mapansin kong pumasok si Cas. Wait, alam nyang nandito ako?

Sasalubungin ko sana sya kaya lang napatigil ako. Kasunod nya ang isang babae at inaalalayan nya ito. Wait. Hindi ko alam na may girlfriend si Cas. Meron nga ba?

Umupo sila three chairs away from me at mukang hindi pa din ako napapansin ni Cas. Wait. That's Shee right? Hindi ako pedeng magkamali. I know that girl. Sya ang nag ayos ng buhok ko months ago.

They're together?

Nanatili pa ako dun ng ilang oras at pinagmisan silang dalawa habang nagku kwentuhan. They look perfect together. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng kirot. Am I hurting? Is it because mahal ko pa rin si Cas or dahil natatapakan ang pride ko?

I dont understand myself. At some point, tinataboy ko na sya. But here I am. Ano ba talaga sya sakin? Kasi sa kauna unahang pagkakataon sa buhay ko, naguluhan ako sa role nya sa buhay ko.

Who is Cas to me?