Damaged

30 | talk

I park my car and turn the keys in the ignition, listening as the motor dies down and leaves me in a stagnant silence. People walk towards school through the parking lot and pass in front of me. This commotion feels like too much after a weekend of silence and self-destruction and I feel the urge to go back home. I try to reason with myself. If I don't show up Mika and Ava will come looking for me and I definitely don't want that, or have them worry. Also, people have already seen me and it would be strange to leave now. 

"Fuck me." I mutter and leave the car, shielding my eyes from the harsh autumn sun as I get out. I walk towards the stairs leading to the main building and notice that people are staring at me. I roll my eyes. Yes, I have bags under my eyes and they are bloodshot. Yes, my outfit isn't the greatest today. Why the hell should anyone care so much? 

The warning bell rings overhead and people start scattering towards homeroom. I close my eyes for a second and take a deep breath then continue walking. I walk inside with my head bowed, unable to look at him. I see him tense as I walk through the corridors of the classroom and as I sit down on the last row of desks he rises from his seat. Before he can take a step towards me the last bell rings and a flux of teenagers separates us, forcing him to sit down again. I open my book and train my eyes on the tiny lettering on the pages but stare, unseeing, at the words. 

I feel his scathing stare on me for the whole twenty minutes of homeroom. I refuse to look at him and at those forest green eyes that manage to bewitch me every time they lay their gaze upon me. When the bell rings I'm the first one to rise and walk towards the door. He stands up and steps towards me, and once I feel like he's going to touch me in front of every student in that classroom I finally look at him square in the face. 

His eyebrows pull together as he looks at my face. His eyes skim over my features, probably noticing how much of a mess I look like. I look back, unflinching, and notice that he looks different too. There are purple bags under his eyes and their usual sparkle isn't present. He has stubble on his face that is a few days old and his hair is a mess, even more than usual. 

"Luna..." He says and It pains me to hear his voice. I sigh tiredly and shake my head. He frowns even more. 

I step to the side to let people pass by and look at my feet.

"Look at me." He whispers and I do as he commands. I see sadness in his features as he looks at me, "We need to talk."

"Yes." I croak out, my voice breaking due to misuse. 

"Can you come here during lunch?" He asks softly and I nod. He gazes at my face once again as if searching for something. He's looking for some kind of emotion, I guess. 

I step backwards and then turn around, leaving the classroom. I walk towards history with a head full of uneasy thoughts. What am I going to tell him? That I'm afraid of committing to a relationship and I'm scared of feelings? That I'm afraid that I'll like him too much and once he'll leave me I'll break again? 

That's going to drive him away for sure. That's the last thing that I want, and even though I can't look at him right now I still want him. My limbs crave his touch and my body feels the need for his attention more than ever. 

Once I look at Ava's eyes I force a smile onto my face and sit down on the desk beside her. 

"Hey girl," she turns on her seat and looks at me, "We've missed you." 

"I've missed you too." I say honestly. 

"That flu got you bad, huh?" She said while observing me. 

"Yep." I answer and clear my throat, "It sucked." 

She nodded in understanding and we turned around to pay attention on the starting class. History went by quickly, and so did the other subjects before lunch to my dismay. Once the bell rang I walked towards the cafeteria and sat with the girls. Mika asked me about my flu and I lied again, and I hope it was convincing.