Lyra's Big Change

Chapter 9

Chapter 9   Facing Demons, The Harder Thing to Do

When I woke up, I was in the car. I sat up and felt that I was wet. I could barely feel the urge to pee; so I just let go. I felt down there and it was pretty mushy. I sat up and Amanda looked at me with a smile.

"Morning sweetie, how did you sleep?"

"Otay... I'm still really ti-ired." I said through a yawn. "Umm... I need... a..." I could feel tears well up in my eyes... I still wasn't used to the whole diaper thing.

"You need a change?" Amanda finished my sentence for me.

"Yes please." I said quietly, my cheeks were burning with embarrassment. Teresa stopped the car and Amanda and I got out. She had me lay down in the backseat of the SUV and proceeded to change me. She commented on how I was getting a little bit of a rash and she applied lots of cream so that it would heal and not hurt. When she was done, she just left me in my shirt and my diaper and I hopped out of the back.

"Can you please sit in the back with me?" I asked Amanda.

"Sure, no problem hunnie, I don't mind."

We both got into the backseat and I just set my head on her lap.

"Is today the day?" I asked her.

"Yeah, it is, that's why we left so early, it is still only 6am." Amanda answered me.

"Please Amanda, I don't want to do this! Please!" I started to cry, so I grabbed her close and buried my face into her stomach.

"You have to baby, I know, it was your daddy, it is going to be hard, but we have to. You know he will always and I mean ALWAYS, be watching out for you!"

'Nooo, he shouldn't have died! It should have happened to me!" I screamed.

"Lyra, you are on this earth for a reason! God doesn't want you to go; it isn't your time yet!" Amanda yelled back at me.

I started sobbing then, I didn't like when people yelled at me.

"Awwe, sweetie, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to yell, I know that all this is just so hard on you." At that, she lifted me onto her lap and I cuddled me. I tried to calm myself down, but it didn't really work. Amanda ran her fingers through my hair and rubbed my back. All through this, I cried silently. I put my hand over my mouth and eventually my two middle fingers into my mouth and after about half an hour, I fell asleep in her arms. And it stayed that way until we got to Amanda's house.

I woke up at the feeling of Amanda moving me. I looked out the window and saw that we were back at the house. I got out, grabbed my pants and my diaper bag from the back of the car and brought everything into the house. I sat on the couch and waited for everyone else to come in. while they were putting things away, I was lost in thought. At this funeral, my daddy's funeral, it would be the last time I would ever see him again. I didn't even know how big it would be, all I could think of who would go was Amanda, Adam, and I. when they were done putting things away, Teresa went home and Amanda helped me pick out an outfit. I ended up with one of Amanda's old dresses, it was just plain black and went down to my knees. I grabbed a pair of panty-hose and my black converse shoes. When everything was laid out on my bed, Amanda told me to get into the shower while she made breakfast. I didn't even want to take a shower, I didn't feel like doing anything. So I just sat on the shower floor and let the water run over me. I know I wasn't clean, but I didn't care. When I was done, I went back to my room, I saw a goodnight and my Bert & Ernie shirt at the end of my bed, along with a pair of slippers. I put them on and went down to breakfast. After I ate, which i didn't I eat much, I went back upstairs and got dressed, Amanda did my hair, then got ready herself and Adam came home and got ready as well. During this time, nothing much really happened. I didn't say a word until we got to the funeral, I think my mouth forgot how to work.

When we got to the Brown Owens and Brumley Family Funeral home, I completely lost it. I started hyperventilating, I wet my goodnight and didn't want to get out of the backseat of the car.

"Lyra, honey, come on, your daddy is just through these doors." Amanda said in a calming voice.

"That is not my daddy, that is a dead man, I want my daddy back! I want him now!" I screamed.

"Screaming is no way to deal with this problem Lyra, don't you at least want to see him one last time?" she tried to persuade me. It took almost half an hour to get me out of the car. By this time, Adam was already inside of the building. Amanda brought along my diaper bag and led me to the bathroom. She waited while I got changed and then I went into a little room. I felt sick to my stomach, the room had a funky smell to it. I saw a coffin at the corner at the end of the room, and surprisingly, more than just Adam and Amanda walked around. It looked like every single teacher from school showed up, same with the children's aid workers, along with Bill and Teresa. Basically I spent the entire public viewing time making small talk with acquaintances and hanging my head so that I could feel somewhat alone. After 4 hours of sitting there, I only got up once to use the bathroom mirror to look at myself. Everyone left except Amanda, Adam and I.

"Lyra, darling, are you going to go up to the coffin?" Amanda asked me in a soft voice.

"No, I don't want to, I don't like dead people." I responded.

"Well Lyra, this IS the last time you will get to see your daddy, just go up and say a prayer, but I just want you to know, even if you're too scared to go up there, no matter what, he will always be here for you and he will always be watching over you."

"Mhm." I mumbled. I was thinking hard. I decided to go up to the end of the casket and just knelt for half an hour praying for my father. I knew that he was up in heaven with my mother, and all the angels and God. I knew that he was going to be alright. When I got up to leave, I noticed that my goodnight was already wet. I didn't care though. I then got up and held my father's hand, it was cold and rigid, but it was still his hand. I felt a connection with him, one that I knew would last for the rest of my life.

After a short mass, we drove to the cometary and had his service. He was buried next to mom, Hannah Waters. Before I knew it I was already on my way back to my new home. By this time, my goodnight was cold and wet and was starting to itch.

"Sweetie, do you want to go out for dinner, we can go through a drive thru or do you want me to cook something at home?" Adam asked me.

"I don't want to eat anything." I said in a lonely, sad voice.

"You have to eat something. Tell you what, how about I get you a big tub of ice cream, your choice, and you can have that for dinner." He offered.

"Sure." Was my response. We stopped at a local convenience store, and I got a big tub of rocky road ice cream. We then went home, Amanda changed me into a diaper and a nightgown, I got myself a bowl of ice cream and laid on the couch. I only finished about half of the bowl when I cried myself to sleep, and didn't wake up until the morning.