Asylum

Audrey

Journal #11 (day 32)

Audrey gave me her letter. It  said:

Dear Avery,

I love you. Every time you mess up you make my life harder. I still love you. I know you have a lot of problems. I don't like the fact that you take it out on our family. I don't think you realize how much Mom and Dad love you. I'm sorry for creating your eating disorder. I didn't know it was gonna hurt you. I was hungry. I was weak and you were and are always strong. But the pain you are suffering going through doesn't have to be there anymore. I love you so much, and want to whats best for you.

I will admit that I tear up a little bit. There was some awkward silence for a few minutes. Then Kayla broke it, "Avery do you have anything to say?"

I just stared at my hands, "I really don't know..."

"Avery I'm sorry for taking your food when we were little."

"Audrey, it's fine."

"It's not fucking fine!"

I jumped at her choice of word. "Audrey it's not a big deal. Just chill."

Kayla looked looked at Audrey them at me, "Avery is there anything you would like to tell your sister?"

"No."

"I can't believe you." Audrey broke down in sobs.

"What?"

"I'm done. I just poured my heart out to you and you have nothing to say. Is this all just a joke to you?"

"What do you and me to say?"

"That you're sorry."

"For what? For the way I am? I am the way I am because of the sperm donor and baby holder. They made me this way. It wasn't you. I've always been this way. I have always hated myself. What fucking five year old scratches themselves till they bleed? What five year gives their food away willingly? What person loves the father who killed their mother? What person still sends him letters? What person gives into the voices when they scream at her to cut herself? To to get drunk? Never eats? Who does that? Because I am the only person who does. I can't fucking help it. I can't fucking help it. I was born like this." My voice was raspy and I was bawling. Kayla was watching me and nodding.

"Avery it's not your fault." Audrey sniffed.

"I'm done fucking talking. Can I go?" I asked Kayla, and she nodded. I walked to my room and screamed into a pillow.