If You Fall

Twenty Three

I don't think either of us slept much due to all the nightmares he was plagued with. All night he moaned and thrashed and cried out in his sleep. I woke him up repeatedly.

I gave up around six and went to pee, ignoring my sleep deprived face in the mirror, then peeked in at the little boys. The room reeked of urine. One of the little ones was curled up in a corner of the room, cocooned in his blanket. The other was still asleep too, on the bed, his index finger in his mouth. The oldest sat in the chair, thin arms crossed on his chest.

"Hi," I said, in what I hoped was a friendly tone, and was shocked when he burst into tears. 

His expression was nothing short of terror as he backed against the wall and sank down into the corner, putting his hands over his face, even as I took a step back from him. "Don't hurt me," he begged. "Please don't hurt me!"

My air was gone. "No, I--" I had no words. "Safe. You're safe now. Rescued you. I--We--" I shut the door and made it back to our room just in time to vomit in the toilet. The horror of everything pounded my mind and I shook like a leaf. I thought of that little boy and the raw fear on his face and retched again, though there was nothing left in my stomach.

Reed appeared then and knelt with me and smoothed my flyaway hairs back into my bun. When he saw I was done he ran water into a cup and handed it to me, his hand on my back. I rinsed out my mouth and when he pulled me toward him, I went, clutching him while I wept for those poor fucking kids, telling him what had happened.

"I know," he said into my hair, kissing the top of my head. "I know, Addy, and that's why I've done it for so long. I can't bear it. I'm compelled to stop it."

I took deep breaths, trying to calm down. "You should go in there, tell them." They needed to understand they were safe now.

"D'accord, I'll be right back."

While he was gone I went through the motions of washing my face and getting dressed, my mind twitching. I sat on the bed to put on my makeup and ten minutes later he came back in, closing the door and sitting to my right. "Malone's in there with them. The kids usually respond well to her. And they have withdrawal from the drugs. It will pass."

I thought about how he did this all the time, brought broken kids through here or similar houses all over the world. Saving their lives, but the trauma from seeing it, child after child, must be terrible. How it must build up in your psyche, your soul. "Will they . . . " be okay, is what I wanted to know, but couldn't ask.

"Children are resilient. They will recover. I did." He tried to smile but it failed and we both knew he had just lied to me.

"How's Arianna?" I knew he would have checked on her.

His face relaxed a little. He looked as bad as I felt; underneath his good eye on the right, the shadow was darker. The cut along his jawline had bled and looked raw. His left eye was a myriad of colors. "Mad. Mostly that she missed me using the eff word."

I had to grin at that. "I'll bet. Hell probably froze over."

"I was provoked," he said, yawning. He had on a shirt I'd given him that said I SPEAK FRENCH (fries).

"Bet she hates that," I said, poking his Addy tattoo.

He just looked at me appraisingly, so I smiled toothily. "And I thought males were bad about territorial games."

"It's not a game." I said flippantly as I brushed out my hair. "And if it were, I win."

He snorted with laughter as I'd intended and it brightened my spirits. But I knew I would have to talk to him about the effect all this was obviously having, a talk he wouldn't want to have.