If You Fall

Forty Five

I went with them the next day to the hospital, even though I didn't really want to. It felt like I should. Even though I really, really hated hospitals. A lot.

Arianna didn't look much better, honestly. They had cleaned her up, but her hair was still dirty and stringy even tied into a bun, and a cut on her face had bled a little. I hovered in the doorway as Amanda sat in the chair at her head and began wiping the blood off. "Hi, bebe, we're back now," she told the inert figure.

Reed stood behind me with his hand on my lower back, a pose that had always felt protective to me. I stepped into the room a little more so he could too. "Can she hear us?" I whispered to him, so uncomfortable and wishing I hadn't come.

"We don't know," he said matter of factly, but his eyes were on her and he was disappointed, like he'd somehow thought she might be awake and smarting off.

Someone cleared their throat behind us and we turned. A doctor. "If you'd like to step out with me for a moment?"

They went with him but I sat in the chair. It seemed like a family thing to talk to the doctor. I made myself look at her. Her skin looked like it would tear at a touch. The circles under her eyes were almost black. I didn't know what to say.

"Hey, so it's me, Heidi. Addy. So you want to, wake up or whatever? 'Cause this shit's getting crazy. We found you, you're safe, so c'mon back. We can argue about Reed, sorry, Intou . . . I'll even let you have him like on weekends, what do you say?" I knew I sounded like a total asshole but if the shoe fit. "Seriously, though, choose life or whatever, okay? You're driving these guys crazy. Like, there is some serious love for you in this world. And you're making them all really sad, especially Reed, which I hate, so stop it."

I would make a fabulous doctor with my impeccable bedside manner, no doubt.

There was of course no change brought about by my inspiring words, and I looked around the sterile room. It looked just like the one I'd spent many weeks recovering in after the fire, and everything in me was cringing.

They came back in with unchanged expressions but Amanda's eyes were red and mascara tracks betrayed her tears. I stood and allowed her to sit.

Reed looked at me and said, "We'll wait for you à l'extérieur, Mandy."

She nodded and I went with him gratefully, able to breathe more with each step. We sat in the Jeep and he lit a cigarette. The sun shone on our parking spot but it was chilly. I put my feet up on the dash board and smoothed my hair down where it belonged. "Sorry. Got a little claustrophobic in there. I wasn't helping much anyway." I should have stayed inside my house.

He shook his head. "Non, Amanda does not mind the time alone. She is like a mother to her. A very young mother, right? You said she told you about Bianca."

I nodded.

He made a wry face. "As long as people give in to an appetite for children, there will be people like us trying to recover from it. Like the addicts; how they say they are in recovery, but never that they are recovered. Because they know better." He had one hand out the window but he put his other out between us, palm up, and I put mine in it. His warm fingers closed around mine. "We will always be in the process of recovering."

I tried not to let on how down that made me, that he felt that way. "Good thing we have a support system then."

He glanced at me sideways, smiling a little. "You're my support system." His long sleeved shirt was olive green and made all the flecks of green in his eyes stand out. He wore his favorite faded black pants.