If You Fall

Thirty Seven

My CPTSD kept me held in place now that the threat was over, and I didn't even know how to begin to recover. But Arianna was climbing into the hot tub in her jeans and hoodie, a red beanie on her head, her hair dipping into the water as she took my hand and said "C'mon, Addy, let's get outta here." 

I obediently allowed her to pull me to the previously unobtainable steps and automatically climbed out after her, holding the proffered hand. I was dimly aware of Joey vomiting up food and water, the sour smell of vodka over it all, of Reed standing again and still furious.

"I'll fucking kill him if he's here when we return," he promised through clenched teeth, to Malone or Don or everyone, and I barely registered his use of the word. He looked down at Joey, who was drooling and heaving, with incredible disgust and contempt. "I was right. All along! And he does this! To Addy!" He kicked him hard even as Dane moved to intercept him. "I should kill him now! I will kill him now!"

And I couldn't help but think this is what happened when you put a bunch of extremely damaged big kids in a club where they go around shooting people regularly.

"Intou! Come here, now!" Arianna said from my side. We were near the back door and I could feel her arm under mine, stabilizing me, but I still reeled mentally and couldn't focus. I stood in my wet suit, dripping and shivering, pretty much baffled by life. "Fucking now I said!"

An army would have moved under that command. He certainly did. But he had one last thing to say to Malone. "This is your fault, for allowing this! For not believing me."

She flinched from the accusation, her face wretched as she looked up at him.

"Elle me faisait confiance! Et je te faisais confiance!" he shouted tearfully. She trusted me. And I trusted you.

Arianna didn't let him say anything else as he got to us and put his arm around my shoulders, simply directing both of us inside and pulling the door shut and pushing us the way she wanted us to go. I saw Bella still asleep on the couch, and then Ari was wrapping me in a blanket and bossing us into the Jeep. "Drive, and don't fucking kill us. Settle down. She's fine."

I was glad to hear that I was fine, and it made me feel better. "I'm fine," I echoed. My voice! "I'm fine," I said again, though my teeth were chattering. "Oh my God." The enormity of what had happened, and what could have happened, really began to sink in. 

I turned to look at her in the seat behind him. My eyes were too wide. "He--" I began to say, but she shook her head at me, nodding at him, because of course he was too pissed to hear about it. "I'm fine," I repeated instead, not sure who I was trying to convince.

"You were right," she said, leaning forward to rest her hands on his shoulders. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you. I'm really sorry, Intou. He fooled me." She leaned back again, adjusting her seat belt, guilt on her face.

He was not quite back with us, which I could see when he glanced at me with wild eyes. "Chérie," he said, agonized, not caring that she was there. He reached out his hand.

I took it and squeezed it, clenching my jaw to stop the chattering teeth. "I'm fine, see? Even if I'm using that word too much." I thought of Joey kissing my neck and shuddered, acid burning in my stomach. I thought of what it looked like and even though there was no trace of accusation from either of them, I added, "I was in there by myself, and he came out."

He just shook his head, his face thunder, trying to maintain. He shook a little with the effort.

We got to my house and I sat in the shower and let the hot water pour on me until I stopped shivering, which took twenty minutes. The door opened without warning and Arianna stuck her head in, which I could barely see through the foggy shower door. "Just making sure you're not playing with your razor," she said with a wink. She came in and shut the door behind her as I turned off the water, and perched on the counter. "So what happened?"