Color of Love

Trying Harder

I couldn't figure Jade out. She had me all wrapped up in my feelings and couldn't even show me what she was feeling back. So who did I call? Sienna of course. I don't know what advice I thought my younger sister could possibly offer me, but she was my first go to.

"I don't know what to do anymore, Sienna," I told her as I got ready to get into bed, "I buy her coffee every morning; I help with groceries since she cooks for me; I wash her car when it's dirty; I've even watched Jared for her a couple of times. I give her massages when she's tired and stressed until she just falls asleep; I take us out for lunch sometimes during the week; one day I even called myself being nice and brought over food for her, Jared, and fucking Rowan because I'm trying to be accepting of her stupid best friend when all he does it spit trash about me!"

Sienna listened to me rant without input. For once, she didn't have words of advice. "It's weird, Linnea," my sister said calmly, "They say they made us see black and white our whole life so that color and the beauty in the world is all worth waiting for. But what's the use if the person fights it?"

"How do I even know it's her? What if life is just messed up in the sense that I'm in love with her, but she doesn't feel the same about me?"

"Linnea," my sister said my name with more optimism in her tone, "Don't think that way. I'm sure Jade feels some kind of way. Maybe she just wants you to step up and show it, not just say it. Show her you want her. Aren't you going over there this weekend?"

"Well, yeah, but Rowan will be there plus more people."

"Screw Rowan and the other people!" my sister said in a feisty tone, "If you want her, show her. You do want her, don't you?"

I thought for a moment. Maybe Rowan was right. What could I offer her? I still hadn't even gotten my career under my wing while she was set. She had a kid that she had obligations for and wouldn't always have time for me.

I bit at my lip nervously as sadness overcame me. I didn't want her out of my life. I didn't want Jared out of my life either. I didn't want Rowan being some mediocre dad to him when all he did was fall asleep while Jared watched TV. And hell, I could be mommy number two if that meant proving myself to her. I loved Jade's food. I didn't want to not be able to experience that anymore. And even though it made me late all the time, I enjoyed going on coffee runs just to see her smile to start off my day. I was falling for this woman, and why I did not know. My teeth grabbed at my lip a little too hard and a piece of skin peeled off. I licked away the blood and snapped back into me and my sister's conversation, "Of course I do, Sienna."

"Well show her then."

"I'm just scared of rejection," I murmured pathetically.

My sister offered a word of thought, "Think about it, Linnea. If she rejects you; it'll be in the moment – something small. So if the pain of rejection is acute, then the pain of regret is chronic. Don't be afraid to take a chance for the girl you like. Yeah, rejection will hurt, but what if she says yes? What if she's the woman of your dreams, your soulmate, like you so often fantasize about?"

I took a deep breath in, held it, and exhaled slowly, "You're right, Sienna. I'll show her."