Protecting Cecilia

Does it even matter

song:  Scars by Allison Iraheta

This is my first real party, like ever. I have never seen so many people in one freaking house. Everyone is drinking beer and passing around a joint among other stuff that I have never seen.

I'm quickly introduced to the crowd and Ericka and Jessie fade into the mix. I'm on my own, gold figure. I should be use to that but this is the first to be alone with this many people around me.

I don't fit in here and I should just leave. I sit on the couch and watch others around me laughing and smiling, talking about shit that they probably don't even know what they are saying. You can tell who has had way too much to drink already. I think about getting back up to just leave when two boys come over to me. One sits beside me while the other sits on the coffee table in front of me.

They are both very good looking and I can tell they are lit.

"Cecilia...uh! New girl." The one in front of me says as his hand comes towards me and grabs my knee. I flinch by the touch and he rears back. "Sorry...I'm Blake and this is my friend Max."

I throw my hand up in a wave and fake a smile. Max hands me a joint. I shake my head, "no thanks."

"Come on...looks like you can use a pick me up." He waves it in front of my face. "You know you want to."

I contemplate if I really want to or not. I mean what will it hurt and he is probably right I could use something. I take it from him and put it up to my lips and take a drag, while coughing up a lung. They smile when I hand it back over to Max. He takes a puff then gives to Blake and then back to me. We sit there and smoke the whole thing between the three of us.

I go to stand and fall over light headed on top of Max and everyone around is laughing. I go to stand back up excusing myself. "Sorry...I need to go to the bathroom."

I stumble down the hallway and find a bathroom. I don't know how it happens but Max is right behind me. I have never been in a room alone with a boy...just the two of us. Matter of fact I have never kissed a boy and here I am in a strangers bathroom, kissing a boy I hardly even know. His hands are fumbling under my shirt and somehow he manages to take it off in no time.

He has his eyes closed and his lips are all over me. For an instant he stops and looks at me. I look back at him thinking what the hell; I can't let this be my first time. However it feels good and I actually feel wanted. His eyes look down and he stops and pushes away. I see it in his eyes and this is not going any farther. "What happened to you?"

I'm so use to the bruises that I actually forgot about them in the moment. I'm not thinking straight to begin with or this would never have happened. I don't say anything and he throws my shirt back at me to put on.

"I...I can't do this...what the hell. I ...I....look don't tell anyone."

"What are you talking about; don't tell anyone what...nothing happened?"

"If anyone ask we hooked up got it..."

"But we..."

I don't finish as he walks out of the bathroom door leaving me there all alone. I turn to look at myself in the mirror. My dirty blonde hair has a few tangles and I brush through them with my fingers. I look pale because unlike the other girls they all wear make-up. I glance down at my breast and my waist. There are so many bruises I don't bother trying to count. There is a newer one shining right in the middle of my breast where he picked me up earlier slamming me to the wall.

Tears roll down my cheeks as I pull my shirt back on. I try to calm myself down before going back out. No one is looking at me, no one notices me in the room. I can't find the girls and at the moment I don't really care. I open the front door and keep on walking. I walk all the way home in the dark.

I don't know why I even bother going home; I should just keep on walking. The moment I open up the door he is in my face.

"Where the hell have you been? Do you have any idea what time it is?" He jerks my arm pulling my shoulder out of place. He pulls me down the hallway to my room.

"Is that beer on you I smell...wait you been smoking haven't you." He pushes me into my room and I stumble and fall. His foot comes slamming into my side and I crawl into a fetal position praying for him to stop.

"If I ever find out you're screwing around so help me. My sorry ass daughter will not be the talk of the town." His hand hits the back of my head and then he takes his other hand and cups my jaw. "And if you ever come home like this again...I will wear your ass out." He kicks me again in the side before leaving me there.

It takes me forever to move and crawl to the bathroom. I force myself up on the toilet to pee. That is when I see the razor. I've done it before and for some reason my body is craving it right now. I pick up the blade, my hand is shaking. Nothing stops me from digging into my flesh and watching the blood drip, drip, drip.

The calm finally comes and I lean back against the toilet. Five parallel lines, so nice, so straight, so perfect. I run water over it, watching the pool of blood fade into the water in the sink. My mind is blank.

I spend the rest of the weekend in my room.