summer

twenty three

"No!" Dylan screams, his entire body shaking like a tightly gripped feather in a tornado. But they weren't his wrists, Sawyer's wrists with the tiny white scars, not these ones. These wrists were bloody and open, with deep red cuts evenly lining each. Dylan's tears race down his face as he quietly repeats the word 'no' over and over. He rips a bit of toilet paper off the roll and attempts to stop the bleeding but to no avail. The blood just leaks straight through the wrappings.

"Stop," cries Sawyer, still trying to pull his wrists away. Dylan turns to look at his face, his jaw hanging open. Sawyer's perfect face, stained by blood and tears. Dylan pushes a few bits of hair away from his forehead and sobs, pressing his nose against his.

"You said... you said you wouldn't. You can't... no..." Sawyer weakly wraps his arms around Dylan, but he just seems out of it. Dylan presses his forehead against Sawyer's chest, his tears staining his shirt.

"It's okay, it's not your fault. Cutting is like therapy for me, I'm not gonna die." Dylan can't speak, he can't move, his body just won't do anything.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Dylan repeats, shaking in Sawyer's arms.

"No! You didn't do anything wrong." Dylan pulls out of Sawyer's arms, shock and pain visible on his face.

"What? Sawyer, I did everything wrong. I made you do this, I made you hurt yourself. I hurt you. I said the most horrible things, and I hurt you! I...." Dylan collapses backwards, covering his face with his hands.

"Dylan? Are you okay?" Sawyer asks, trying to sit up but he's too weak.

"It's just a panic attack, stay there. Don't move, please," Dylan chokes, sitting up and breathing shortly. Sawyer stares at him, absolutely terrified. Dylan shuts his eyes and holds his legs against his chest.

"Dylan, should I get help? This doesn't seem normal!"

"It's not normal for me to find you in tears on the bathroom floor with blood leaking from your wrists, but here we are!" Dylan's immediately regretful for yelling at Sawyer but he meant what he said. Sawyer's face crumples, the third time this morning, and he pins his wrists against his face again. "No, Sawyer, stop!" Dylan grabs his wrists and pulls them away again, putting more toilet paper onto them. The bleeding had at least slowed down but Dylan was still scared.

"Did you mean what you said?" Sawyer hiccups, tears mingling with blood on his delicate face.

"What do you mean?" Dylan whispers, staring at Sawyer's wrists, still shocked.

         "Are you really ashamed to be seen with me? Am I really a fag?" Dylan turns to Sawyer, feeling dizzy.

And then the world turned black.

>><<

       "Dylan! Dylan, wake up!" Dylan lazily opens his eyes to see Sawyer's face staring down at him. Immediately, he starts sobbing.

       "Oh god, I was hoping it was all a nightmare." Dylan presses his nose against Sawyer's again. "I'm so sorry, I love you so fucking much, I couldn't live without you."

        "Stop. You don't mean that, stop saying it. Jesus, I thought you had just died! Why do you keep fainting?"

       "When my anxiety gets really bad I can pass out."

       "Shit, so both times you've fainted has been because of me."

      "You're sitting here bleeding out because of me, I think what I did was worse." Sawyer jumps to his feet, rubbing his face to get rid of the tears but only smearing the blood.

        "It's not your fault! Stop saying that, I would never do this because of you! You're the only good thing in my life!"

      "What?"

       "You're the thing keeping me alive, Dy, that's why your words hurt so bad. I just knew that that's not how you felt about me."

       "Sawyer, that's not true. I came out to my mom just now because I don't ever want to hide when I'm with you. I love you."

       "Stop! Stop saying that! It's not true, it just hurts!" Dylan stands up quickly, rubbing a bit of the blood and tears off of Sawyer's perfect face. His bloody face. His face, his angelic features, stained with his own blood because of Dylan.

       "Why did you do it?"

        "Because I'm not good enough for you."

        "What?"

        "I did it because I'm never going to be good enough for you. Dylan, I was trying to kill myself, but you found me too quickly. I tried to do it because I don't want you to love me. I know you, so I understand how important you are and I know that you love me. I don't want you to because I'll never be good enough for you. It's not fair! You deserve the world but I'm the only one who sees that, and I don't deserve you!" Dylan rubs away the new tears that form in Sawyer's eyes.

And then he kisses him.