The Deep End

12

Chapter Song: Goodbye- Billie Eilish

I drug my hand lightly across the empty hallway following the noises. Peeking my head around the corner I watched as she began to empty all the cabinets. She threw things to and fro mumbling to herself. She would always do this.

CRASH!

No matter what I still winced every time something shattered against the cold tile. I continued to watch her from a distance frozen in time. The hallway was dark behind me, while there was a disaster in front of me.

I knew I should try to stop her, but I never even recognized her like this. Would she remember me?

I took a brave step forward. I kept looking at her and back to the floor avoiding shards of glass. I had to bite back a cry when I stepped on a stray shard. The glass now entered my foot causing more pain every time I stepped down. Deeper it went leaving a trail of blood behind me.

"Mom," I squeaked lightly tugging at her blouse.

She turned to throw another jar across the kitchen. I dropped to the floor covering my head screaming. I mumbled countless apologies, hoping I wouldn't be the next victim. I knew I was.

I couldn't look at her. I wanted to run away, but my feet wouldn't let me. They began to melt into the floor, that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't run. Heavy sobs began to rake my throat.

"Mom please," I begged her. She wouldn't stop and I couldn't move.

"You did this to me." She sneered tugging my chin to look at her.

I forced my eyes shut. I couldn't look. I knew it wasn't her. She wasn't there.

"You made me this way!" She yelled again. Her breath reeked of alcohol. "Look at me!" She roared.

Only when I finally looked it wasn't her face. What should have been her face began to twist into a swirling pool of nothing until it formed a black hole. I wanted to stare into the vortex hoping maybe she would be in there, but it was useless. She was gone.

She continued to yell at me and I continued to try to move.

She grabbed me by the shoulder, instead of hands, she had razor-sharp talons digging into my skin. I knew there was blood. I could feel the warm liquid oozing through my nightgown.

I tried to scream but no sound came out. My dad couldn't hear me. No one in the house did.

She dragged me out of the kitchen and through the house. Finally, she reached the front door.

"You did this." She sneered again rage dripping from her voice as she opened the door.

"Mommy please!" I gripped her shirt hoping she wouldn't leave.

When the door fully opened it was a peaceful night. The stars were shining and the air was cold. It was the same night every time. Only this time she shoved my body out the door.

Instead of landing on the porch or even the dewy grass, I fell through the blackness. I screamed but there still wasn't any sound. I was falling through empty darkness and no one could hear me.

Maybe I was in the vortex of her. The curtains of black around me shut everything out.

After what felt like hours I crashed into the thick dark water. I was myself again, no longer my younger childhood self. I couldn't see anything around me.

Above me, I could see the full moon glowing giving me the slightest light. When I tried to swim up I couldn't reach the surface. The more I swam the further the surface got away from me.

I thrashed and screamed loosing more oxygen. I couldn't breathe. I tried to keep swimming to the surface, but no luck. I knew I couldn't reach the surface, the air. I didn't need to feel the tears to know I was crying.

I was drowning.

"Kenny," I heard the muffled voice above water. Instantly I began to swim for the surface again.

"Kenny." The voice said again.

"Kenny!"

The voice yelled snapping my eyes awake.

I shot up in bed instantly. I could feel the hot tears still in the corners of my eyes. Quickly I wiped them away. I knew it was dark so he couldn't see them.

I reached over to my bedside table, turning on my lamp. I looked across the room to the doorway seeing Liam's face raked with concern.

"I'm fine." I breathed.

I was fine.

"When was the last time you had one?" He whispered.

"A couple of weeks ago." It was a lie. I had one last week. But I wasn't going to tell him that. I didn't need him to worry about me. 

"How bad was this one?" He nodded at me. His eyebrows furrowed while he tried to imagine the possibilities of what I had dreamt.

"It wasn't that bad." I winced. It was bad.

I usually dreamt of her, but I never ended up in the water. That was different about this one. I was drowning. It terrified me to think about it more.

"Ken you were screaming and when I came in here you were thrashing around." He said his voice was stern.

"I promise I'm okay Liam," I said as I retied my hair into a bun. He examined me and his features began to soften.

"Okay," he said softly.

"Thank you." I gave him a soft smile as he began to shut my door.

"Goodnight," he smiled before I heard the click leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I sighed laying back in my bed. I knew I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep. I rolled over to check my phone.

2:34.

Great. 

Four more hours and my alarm would go off. I turned my lamp off, setting my phone back down. I rolled over trying to get comfy.

Rolled over again.

Flipped onto my stomach. 

Turned back on my back shutting my eyes. After what seemed like an eternity I still couldn't get comfortable. I checked my phone again.

3:18.

I was wide awake. I knew there was no going back to sleep. I threw my sheets off of me and slid my feet into my slippers. I padded my way across my room for my robe. Then I made my way upstairs. I might as well brew some coffee since I wasn't going to be sleeping again.

I used to get these kinds of dreams a lot. Nightmares. No one loved getting haunting memories of their mom. It wasn't a dream. They didn't happen until a few years after she left.

I guess it took time to finally process all that had happened. I would get them a few times a week. So much so that my dad was going to take me to a counselor. Then one day they just stopped. I thought I was free of them. Of her. Until one day they came back. Less frequent, but still just as terrifying as before.