RDR2: Faithless

18: Urban Pleasures

We had lunch together, mainly chatting rather than eating. He was originally from England, his parents had inherited a fortune from some family business and he was living the high life. His family were still in England but he had brought the family business over here. He was much more interested in my upbringing, and I had to watch my words. I spoke of Dutch and Hosea, every word I said about my feeling on my two fathers was true, I just glossed over what they actually did for me.

We finished lunch and walked outside, I was very aware I had to meet Dutch.

"It was lovely to see you again, Harry," I smiled at him.

"I would like to see you, perhaps more often, if you would allow it," I froze as I was untying Roach, realising what he was alluding to. A courtship.

Thoughts of Edward and what had happened last time I got into a relationship circled my head and I grimaced.

"Listen, Harry..." I sighed, "I would take you up in a heartbeat if things were different but... I'm so sorry, I can't do that with you. I can't get into this, not... Not now."

"Why?" he asked, a frown evident on his face, "If you share my feelings, what's stopping you?"

"My life... my life isn't simple. If you get involved with me, you get hurt, and there's nothing I can do to prevent it," I said, my voice cracking slightly, "You'd be better just forgetting you met me, as much as I hate to say it."

"An ex-rancher turned high society lady?" he asked, "What are you not telling me?"

I stared at him, his eyes were genuine and I felt I had to be honest with him after leading him along this far. I grabbed his arm and took him down an alleyway, making sure we wouldn't be overheard.

"Harry, I'm not a good person..." I sighed, "What I told you, well, it's not all quite true. Two men did rescue me and raise me, but they weren't ranchers. They were gang members, and one of them was Dutch van der Linde. I'm so sorry, if I'd known you planned on... getting more serious, I'd have stopped this in a heartbeat. It ain't fair on you."

"Ann, can I be honest?" he asked and I looked at him, "I never had much of a doubt what you were. The first thing I heard of you was punching a man and ending up on the gallows, then when I spoke to you and that man intervened? He was not a rancher. And the stories you've been telling me, sure, ranchers could have them, but the way you tell them, the way you act. I don't care what you are to the rest of the world, I care what you could be to me."

"Listen to me," I raised my voice, "I'm not a good person! I've robbed and killed my way through life, I've been imprisoned and sentenced to death more times than I like to think, people I care about always get hurt. You can have a good wife, a fine family, being with me will ruin you. Me? Well, you can't be a bad person and expect good things to happen to you!"

"Godammit, do you think I care about my reputation? Do you think I want a wife my parents pick for me, a girl they'll make sure will only be silent by my side?" he raised his voice too, "Ann, everyone's life is a mixture of good and bad things. Everyone makes mistakes, but it doesn't mean you pay for it for the rest of your life. Good people can make bad choices, but it doesn't make them bad. It makes them human."

"But..." I started.

"Stop being so determined to make yourself unhappy," he stepped forward, "You're pushing me away because you think you don't deserve it, but you're better than you believe."

"You don't know me, the things I've done," I whispered.

"Perhaps not, but the stories you've been telling me? I'd say you've done a hell of a lot of good to make up for the bad," he said softly, "Stop punishing yourself. We can't change what's done, we can only learn from it."