Recklessly Soft

Unfortunate Events and new beginnings

My life has been a mix of bad luck and heart break for as long as I can remember. I've built so many walls around my heart, I forgot what it feels like to feel an emotion other than hate or an orgasm; I'm empty, hollow and perfectly fine with it. My relationships have narrowed down to one night stands, no double dips. It's the safest way to get what I need and move on, without having to put my heart in a blender. I'm used to being alone, I mean, I have been since forever know. My dick head of a father bailed on my mother the day she found out she was pregnant. I hate that man, which only makes my existence more fucked up because I look just like him. Jet black hair and bright green eyes. I got my mother’s good looks and curvy hips, as for the tits department; I suck. Which is good because it makes dressing up as a boy a whole lot easier; when needed. She had me and it was downhill from there, if it wasn't for my mother's next door neighbor, I probably would have died of hunger or dehydration. She enrolled me in school and basically raised me. My mother spent most of my childhood days drunk and lost in an obis of never return. After I turned fifteen, I began to look after myself. It was me against the world; that was until I met chuck. My first love, my first boyfriend, Kiss... TIME. He was my hero and the only one who understood me. It was different with him, I finally had someone in the world. Someone who would go around stealing things with me whenever I but on my boy pants. I never really kept any friends, I hated girls because they'd make fun of my worn out clothes and the fact I came from a trailer park. I promised myself I would never give my children this life. Never give them reasons to steal, or marry a worthless man who'll dump her or him. I kept straight A's all elementary school and Jr. High. It was easy because I really didn’t have anything to distract me. High school got tougher, Chuck and I grew older and so did the feeling we had for each other. I still kept my grades but I would get into fights and get detention a lot. Girls just pissed me off, with their IPhone and perfect lives. They don't know what it's like to suffer; they have no fucking idea. Chuck kept me safe, made my high school years starts and end with a bang. My mother died two months before my graduation. I really didn't know what to do, I had already applied MSU. I planned on taking my mother with me but I guess fate had different plans. I aced my SAT'S and landed a full scholarship to MSU, Michigan State University. After graduation ceremony, I found chuck fucking Whitney White in his car. I felt my heart shatter that day. It shattered for all the "Bring you daughter to work day" I never went to, for all the meeting my mother never assisted, for all the times I stole things I wanted, the field trips I missed, the nights I went to bed with an empty stomach and It shattered because I was alone. No mother to talk to while past out on the kitchen floor, and no boyfriend to have sex with when I felt lonely. I had a break through that night and I vowed, I'd never feel anything, ever again, I shut down and locked my heart away. I packed my shit, sold my house and hit the fucking road, two months early. Leaving no trace behind, Chuck is long gone and so is my past. I will start off fresh and on a good foot. I scored a job at a coffee shop a block away from school and worked there all summer. I saved up all my tips and pay checks to buy knew clothes. Once school started, I was a whole New Ruby Edwards. No worn out clothes or busted shoes. I was in style and ready to start a new life. I never really had a talent, besides stealth mode stealing and picking locks but I always really loved business. I was good at it, that's how a made money. I'd steal something and sell it, I was super good at selling just about anything; even a used tissue. I had a way with words, and a killer smile. Which is what would land a guy in my bed every night. Not that I really needed to use words, all I had to do was smile and wink. They help me get over Chuck, and relive stress. My roommate and I got along well, she didn't touch my shit and I didn't touch hers. We did white broad’s and code words in the beginning but know a days, we just pick a spot around the apartment and stick to it. I have a thing about bed's and empty sex; stupid I know. I still have a glimpse of a hopeless romantic in me and I feel that sex on a bed should be with a guy that actually matters. It's been guy after guy after guy for a year know. The hole is still there, the void never goes away, no matter how hard I hit the sack. I've learned to live with it, but I still cry sometimes; in silence and to myself. Rarely do I ever let myself remember my past, but today is my mother's one year anniversary. Si I feel, I'm allowed to cry.