Recklessly Soft

Misery loves company

When my father left, I wasn’t exactly a thing or alive yet. But the emptiness was already there. As I grew up I didn’t exactly have a loving mother who would rain love over me every single day, but just knowing she was there was enough, enough to make the empty seem small. When she died I lost that, but my heart was used to being alone, used to the empty hole it’s had since I was born. Today, I understand, that that was not emptiness, and it definitely didn’t feel like this. I know now that this is was being empty feels like, what being alone is. I feel like a part of me is messing. Like I can’t breathe properly. I don’t know what day it is anymore, I stopped counting after two weeks. Two weeks of no eating, no smiling and no Alex. I don’t go out anymore, I just lay in my bed. Remembering the special night I spent in it with him. Crystle's back and its thanks to her, I started eating again. I mean just barely, I can’t find any reason as to why I should even bother. I had to steal my clothes from his house today. I was tired of walking around half naked. My heart sliced in three when I saw he had uncovered the pictures, he had the one of us kissing hung over his bed. His placed smelled like rotting food and it was a mess. I cleaned up and grabbed my things, I also took the shirt he wore the first night we slept together. I had to, it’s been keeping me from crumbling. School has started and I need to keep my head on straight. The good thing about work is, I'm on kitchen duty know. That way I won’t have to smile at the stupid girls that walk in all cheerful and yapping on about their perfect lives. Chuck calls me every day to make sure I’m breathing. He's transferring next semester and he'll be living next door, I think it’s great! I missed him more than I cared to admit to myself.

"Yo zombie!! Wake up, we'll be late for English" She pokes me until, I move. I swat her away and grab my book bag.

"I hate the world today." I grumble.

"And every other day."

"Yea well, same shit. Different day"

As we walk to building C, I feel him staring at me. My heart gains pulls and I feel my skin warm up, I keep my eyes straight but I can hardly breathe. My palms are completely sweaty and I fight the smile that plays on my lips. Stupid Boy! I so totally hate him. The second I turn the corner, my heart dies out and I feel the cold wash over me. I peek just to see if I can see him, but I jump back and catch a scream in my throat, to see him standing there. Two inches away from me, smiling like an idiot.

"Hello miss Edwards" His voice is seductive and makes my insides sing.

"You scared me"

"Ah, I good stalker would have played it cool." Stalker? ME!

"I’m no stalker, you where the one watching me"

"Your fun to watch. Besides having an ass as sweet at yours, it’s impossible not to" He leans in and takes a nibble out of my ear and whispers.

"I want my shirt back" and walks past me. I don’t even know what the teacher was talking about, I hardly paid any attention. He wants his shirt back. I don’t know what I was thinking god damn it.

At work I mixed up every single order until Luke sent me home. I cussed him out because I didn’t want to go home but I had no choice. Why does he have to affect me like that, why? I was perfectly fine before he came up with his pantie dropping smile and bed room eyes, all seductive and shit.

"GAH!"

"What’s up with you?" Crystle asked as she walked out of her room.

"I saw Alex today. Stupid pastured"

"Oh! That’s why you've regained color" I touch my cheeks and feel there warm.

"Just face it Ruby. You can’t live without him, so why are you sitting here feeling sorry for yourself when you could be having hot sex with a guy that loves and cares for you. Huh? He defended you in front of his parents and broke off his fixed marriage. I think that’s enough to prove he wants you and will choose you over anyone." I thought about it for a minute. I know she's right but I'll never tell her.

"Things are the way they are meant to be. That is all"

"You’re going to regret this someday and maybe that day will be too late to take anything back." Her words repeat in my head millions of times. I grab her a cigarette and head out, the nights a little chilly but I wasn’t about to put anything over his shirt. It still smelled like him, I went over to our spot and took the shirt of so it wouldn’t get the cigarette smell on it. It was dark out and I just felt down right reckless.

"This has to be the sexiest thing, I have ever seen" Just my luck. I felt as he came up behind me and cupped my boobs.

"My ladies are cold, why are you so harsh as to leave them out in the cold?" He whispers down my back, I shiver and he presses his back to me. I hear as he takes a pass and feel as he blows it on my shoulder blade, I close my eyes and enjoy the warmth he's giving me. After we're done smoking he turns me around and glides his hands all over my back. Like he was sculpting my skin, I could help it. I longed to touch him, to feel him. To have him close again. I placed my hands on either sides of his chest and slowly brought them up around his neck. He placed his forehead on mine and took even breaths.

"Ruby, can we quit pretending like we can keep doing this. Because I can’t, I’m lost without you. I miss you and I want you back." My heart was pounding in my chest making it impossible to think.

"I, I’m scared" I barely voiced

"Of what baby? What are you scared of?"

"You." He clenched his jaw and slowly let go of me, making my arms drop to my sides. I felt like my skin was ripped off of me. Crystal’s words replayed in my head, making me act on impulse. I jumped into his arms before he could turn away.

"Don’t leave me alone again. Please! I'm scared of you but I'm more scared of being without you. I love you! I love you please don’t ever leave me again. Even if I ask of you too, don’t listen to me! EVER. Each time I try to leave, trap me in your arms and make love to me so it’ll all go away." I sob into his neck, he held on to me tight and kissed me a million kisses in one. Telling me he'd never leave because he loved me. He carried me back to my apartment and locked us in my room, he made sure I knew just how much he loved and missed me; I have no doubt's what’s so ever. He made it clear as water.