Heart of Gold (Anthony Rizzo)

Forty Two

Isabella

Anthony and Nicky had a boys day so I stay home to relax. I had a lot on my mind and really needed my best friend right now. While my boys were out at the zoo looking at the animals I pick up around the house a little to calm myself down while Ciara makes her way over.

Eventually she comes over for some lunch and to watch a movie. We watch whatever is on hallmark and eat the food I prepared. I turn down the volume and turn to her. I start to rub my stomach to ease it as she watches me carefully.

"I need to tell you something" I start slowly.

"Is that why you called me over? Because usually I invite myself" she admits.

"Yeah, its a really heavy topic and I wanted to make sure I was ready to tell you this... and in person" I sigh.

"It sounds important" she notices.

"Very" I admit.

"What is it? What's up" she asks.

"I went to my follow up doctors appointment not too long ago. Anthony wasn't there because he was getting ready for the game and I assured him it wasn't a important appointment so he didn't need to come. Naturally I was worried about the babies heart beat but they said it sounded really good. After getting everything checked out the doctors noticed that there wasn't something right, it looked like there was a infection in my stomach. It's called preeclampsia and it's pretty dangerous. It's deadly to either me or the baby depending on how the birth goes. There's a good chance that one of us is going to die when she is born" I explain.

"And you told the doctor to save the child" she pieces together. There a reason she's my best friend.

"I did" I admit and it falls silent.

"Izzy, you can't possibly think this world is a better place without you than with you" she insists.

"I don't know. Maybe it is maybe it isn't, but this baby is my world and I couldn't possibly live knowing I'm the reason she isn't alive. When you die your life is valued by what you leave behind, and what I have left says it all. My friends and family, they won't ever let me die. I'll always be here. But if my mom didn't save Nicholas we wouldn't have him. You can't tell me that when you look at him you think my mom made the wrong decision" I argue.

"But you aren't your mom" she insists.

"I'm not, but I am her daughter. And I understand why she made this decision. I understand how scared she was and how much this decision weighed on her. But the easiest decision isn't the right one more times than not" I explain.

"I don't want to lose you. I need you" she begs.

"You don't need me. You never needed me" I insist.

"I always need you. Anthony needs you. Nicky needs you. This world, we need you" she sniffles. I pull her into a hug and she cries on my shoulder. "You can't leave me. We haven't traveled the world and you haven't gotten married. You're about to finish school and have a daughter. There's still so much to do" she cries.

"I know. And it's not like I don't want to do them. But I don't want to do them knowing what I did to be able to do them" I explain.

"No one will be mad if you chose to live" she insists.

"Nobody but me" I say.

"I see you've made up your mind" she sighs.

"I have, and it sucks it has to be like this."

"Does Anthony know" she asks.

"I can't tell him, I don't have the heart to do it. But I wrote this and I want you to give it to him" I say handing her a envolope. "Everything he needs to know for if I die and forever after that is in there. But only give that to him if I pass away" I explain.

"There's a chance you can both make it" she argues.

"There is. But if there's a decision to be made, that decision is already made" I explain. She stares at me as I stare back. She wipes away a tear as we just sit in the silence.

"I love you so much" she says trying to smile.

"I love you too" I sniffle.

"What am I supposed to do without you? Who is going to come into my work and buy all the stuff I haven't sold? Who is going to cook me food when I get lazy? Who is going to tell me to stop over thinking things with Jonny? I'm sorry but Anthony isn't that good" she giggles before sniffling a tear away.

"I don't know what to tell you" I admit.

"What am I supposed to tell Anthony" she asks.

"Just give him that paper."

"I'm talking about after that. What is he going to do when the wedding day comes around and you're not here? What is he going to do when it's Mother's Day and he has to tell his daughter her mom died? What is he going to do when he rolls over in bed and you're not there anymore? What is he going to do when he wants to love a woman but he can't because she isn't you..." she trails off.

"I... I don't know" I whisper.

"Why would you agree to marry him if you knew it wasn't going to happen? That's not fair to him."

"What was I supposed to say? "Sorry I can't marry you but I'm going to die here pretty soon." You should have seen his face, he was so happy about what he did and I couldn't say no. He cannot know. It's not like I didn't want to marry him, because I do. I would go to Vegas right now and marry him but I know that won't solve my problems. I don't want to lead him on but I want him to be happy. I'm not going to be the reason he's not."

"And what about Nicholas? What is he going to do now that everyone in his family is dead? Is he going to go with his grandparents who don't know a thing about him? What's he supposed to do when the person he loves more than anything is gone? Who's going to be able to do what you do for him" she questions. I sit there as the tears falls some more.

"I can't kill my baby" I defend.

"We can't lose you" she insists.

"I'm sorry" I say and she sighs.

"You're not changing your mind are you" she asks.

"I'm not" I sigh. She looks at the paper in her hand and nods her head. She gets up without a word and walks out the door. That was so freaking hard, why was that so hard? I hear the door close as the tears fall harder. I didn't expect her to understand this but I didn't expect her to fight so hard for me. I didn't think she would be so upset. And although I still have my mind made up I feel a little worse about it.