In The Eye of the Beholder | Jonathan Crane

January 1993

When the world is breaking down around you

Taking everything that you know

What you didn't know

Is that we can go forever

If we want to we can live

Inside of a moment

The one that we own

-Afterlife (Ingrid Michaelson)

____________________________________________________________

January 3, 1993. Officially graduation year. Soon, I could leave Arlen. I could leave my own version of hell. I could leave Dad. I could be me.

Jonathan could be himself too. Leaving would be good for him.

This town hadn't been kind to either of us.

____________________________________________________________

"Amber, I have to talk to you."

Jonathan seemed jittery. Nervous.

"We've been talking all day," I pointed out.

"Right, you're right. I meant I had a question for you."

"Yeah, what is it?"

"Well, you-uh, you know how-" Jonathan stopped and shook his head. "Let me-let me start over."

He was stumbling over his words. He was nervous. I hadn't seen him this nervous in years. I gestured for him to continue.

"Will you go to prom with me?" he asked quietly.

I didn't answer. Of course, I wanted to say yes. I really did. He was my best friend. But with how Jonathan had been acting lately, I wasn't sure I wanted to.

"I-" I paused to think about what I wanted to say. "Can I give you an answer later?"

"If you don't want to go with me-"

"No, it's not that I don't want to go with you." A white lie. "It's just-I wasn't planning on going to prom at all, with anyone. Let me think about it. Please?"

I know that wasn't the answer he wanted. It wasn't the answer anyone wanted. But it was the one he was going to get. Anyway, it was half true. I really wasn't planning on attending the prom.

"Alright, I'll wait," he finally answered after what felt like an hour worth of silence. Silence with him was suffocating. I barely noticed I'd been holding my breath, waiting for his response. Was I actually afraid of what his answer might have been?

___________________________________________________________

Three days. Three days Jonathan had been waiting for me to say yes or no. I still didn't have an answer. The answer should have been so plainly obvious. So why was I thinking so hard about it?

This is what I was thinking about in the school's library when I should have been studying for an upcoming math test.

"So you're either really concentrating on that textbook, or you've got something on your mind. Which is it?"

"Something on my mind. What do you want, Evan?" I silently wished he would leave. I did like Evan, but I didn't want to talk to him now.

"Just a question," he said, sliding into the chair next to me.

"Please tell me it's academically related. I'm not in the mood to get personal right now."

"Sorry, it's not. It'll be fast though. I was wondering if you had a date to the prom?"

Oh no. No. Not another one. I didn't need this.

"I've already got a date," I blurted. Then froze. Why did I say that?

I knew exactly why I said it. I'd made my decision.

"Okay, that's cool. Mind if I ask who you're going with?" Evan asked. I hesitated. How would Evan react to me going with Jonathan Crane?

"Jonathan Crane."

"Nice. You two are great friends, right? I think it's great that you're going with him. I know he doesn't have many friends. Anyway, I should get going. See you later, Amber."

"Bye, Evan."

He reacted better than I expected him to. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. Evan was a nice guy. Even if he didn't really acknowledge or talk to Jonathan, he still didn't treat him like Bo did.

__________________________________________________________

"Jonathan, I want to go to prom with you," I said.

"What took you so long to answer?" Jonathan asked, keeping his eyes trained on his book.

"I had to think about things. Things have changed between us, can't you tell? But I've decided that I can deal with those changes. I'm still your friend. This is what I want. I'm sorry it took so long," I explained.

"What made you change your mind. I know you wanted to say no."

"Evan asked me. I knew that when he asked me that I didn't want to go with him. I wanted to go with you. I want to go with you."

He stared at me, then turned back to his book.

"I'm looking forward to it," he said.

So was I.