Swift as a Coursing River | Ongoing

2. The abyss

Edwin takes a while before he tells anyone about the divorce. The future conversations swell to monumental proportions in his mind and he is not ready to be perceived differently. He will not only be the divorced friend but the gay friend too. They might not see the Edwin they knew anymore. And maybe he wants these coming-outs to be better. He wants to know what to say, have a neat explanation at the ready.

No such luck. Ellen asks his permission to tell her friends the reason for their split and he has no good reason to say no. Once the right people know, the cat's out of the bag.

Caroline is the first to call, days after his talk with Tamara. When he sees her name on his phone screen, it soothes a hole in his chest that he hadn't noticed yet among the many dents these weeks have left.

"How are you doing?"

"I don't know." Of course she asks about his well-being first; she's been through a divorce herself. Just ask me how I'm doing, she had advised him when he'd cooked lasagne for her. She'd still accepted the dish. Now, her question dislodges so many emotional rocks he fears an avalanche. Just don't ask me how I'm doing, he wants to say. "It's been ... a lot."

"Anything you want to talk about?" Caroline's voice is soft and Edwin relaxes slightly. His practice is deserted at the end of the workday and he leans back in his chair, staring at the letters on the wall.

"Did you hear the reason for the divorce?"

"Sure did. Ellen didn't force you out of the closet, did she? She might have been your wife, but that won't save her from a lecture."

"She has the right to seek support from her friends."

"And you have the right to feel comfortable." Caroline's tone changes. "You could have told me."

"It was nothing against you. I'm still figuring things out. I only told Ellen and the kids."

"If you need help to figure those things out, I'm always up for a chat. God knows it took me long enough."

Edwin's brain comes to a screeching halt. "You –"

"I was 30 by the time I knew I was bisexual. I never told you?"

"You're bisexual." Edwin is dizzy with relief that twists into upset. Why could she realise it before him and why didn't she tell him? It's not fair. All this time there was someone. Someone who ... The thought trails off. It might have changed things. "Did Bart know?"

"Sure did. Even went with me to some events, before the divorce." Edwin is sliding down a slope. "But you can't compare your situation. I'm bi and Bart wasn't that bigoted to assume that meant I loved him less. We just went to social events. I only did the bars and flirting after the divorce." Caroline laughs.

"I'm not bi." Edwin's throat closes up. Maybe Caroline will see he is deceiving himself. That he's not really gay. Not gay enough. Or she'll tell him he's bi and he could have stayed with Ellen; she's the expert. He huffs. Get your shit together, Ed. "I'm gay."

"And I'm happy you've discovered that. Better late than never."

"I'm happy too." He doesn't feel happy, but if he doesn't believe he is, he'll never stop sliding down. He's scared he'll never reach the bottom, but he fears breaking his bones equally. "Do you still go to ... bars?"

"Gay bars? Sure. You want to go with me?"

"I want to make new friends." It's true, a little. He wants to feel gay. Seen and understood.

"Perfect! I know just the place in Antwerp."

"Could we go once I've moved?" Edwin imagines telling Ellen, or even Tamara, he's going to a gay bar. Not an option.