Swift as a Coursing River | Ongoing

5. Camouflage

Warning: homophobia and transphobia in the second half (talk, no slurs)

***

The guy's name is Patrick. His first messages ease seamlessly into a conversation about travels. He's an amateur photographer, Edwin learns. Mostly nature, some artistic shots. It's a relief to talk to someone who doesn't know about his divorce, who knows he's gay but doesn't ask questions. Patrick is a few years older than him and in a weird way, that's comforting too.

The young guys who have messaged him are flattering – even if they've only said "hey" – but the fluster morphs and mixes with discomfort and insecurity. It's a compliment that young, hot guys like that are interested in him, but he feels a little like a fetish too – or a possible sugar daddy – and it reminds him how inadequate he'd be in bed. He's not the experienced man they expect.

With an older guy like Patrick – Patrick is likely experienced, but it's different. He won't judge him for his age, or his appearance. He's old enough to understand why Edwin stayed in the closet for so long. There's no expectation that he'll be more experienced – he's not planning to sleep with Patrick, but when he's ready, he'd want a guy like him. Older, not crazy hot, friendly, patient.

While Patrick approached him as a potential friend, his profile is geared more towards hook-ups. He shows off his hairy, muscular upper body and wears leather. He definitely works out because you don't have that body at 60 without effort. Edwin is not sure what to think about the leather. It seems more appropriate for a biker gang, but who's he to judge? Patrick has been nothing but kind.

They keep talking over the course of several weeks. It's the only reason Edwin doesn't delete Grindr because he ignores all other messages that are too generic to strike up a conversation. They talk about sports, jobs, politics even, and Patrick brings up his friends.

"We should meet up sometime," he writes. "You'd fit right in with me and my friends." Edwin doesn't know how to reply. Fit in how? Gay? Over fifty? But he wants that: meeting people, making gay friends. Didn't Eliane say that? Like with the LGBT bar, he will only know one person and be out of his element, but they'll all be older men. Gay men, he assumes. Maybe he should ask that.

"Are you all old and gay?"

"Speak for yourself 😊. What makes you think I'm old? It's the chest hair, isn't it?"

Edwin huffs. He'll take that as a yes. "Actually it was your back's creaking that's audible even here 😉."

"Dammit. I hope you grow older faster so you'd need hearing aids for that." That's ... Edwin ignores that. He's not witty like Patrick. His phone pings with a second message: "Don't worry about it. We're just a bunch of old bears. I'm not throwing you in the deep with the youngies."

Edwin knows what bears are now, and that Patrick is one, but he doesn't have enough hair for it. Still, he can see why he'd fit in since he's more of a jock type. A nerdy and tame jock who is settled into a comfortable routine. "That's a relief. So you consider yourself old after all? 😊" He might not be witty, but let nobody say he hasn't got a drop of humour!

***

Edwin's parents found out about the divorce when they called, asking to visit. It was Thursday evening and the light of the setting sun glinted on his TV screen. Edwin bookmarked his page and took a sip of his wine.

"Are you free next Sunday?" Dad was a corpulent guy, but he was remarkably soft-spoken. He was no doubt sitting in the corner of their worn, brown couch, in the spot that got the most sunlight and where he always made his phone calls. Mum would be sitting next to him, close enough to hear what Edwin said if he spoke at a normal volume. She'd have told dad to call – she never called herself. She wasn't timid, so Edwin had always wondered why. Did she hate phone calls, like Tamara? Or was it a misplaced idea to let the men talk? It was even more absurd because she'd comment on everything, no matter if she agreed or disagreed, hiss at dad what he should say, and more than once she'd demand the phone and take over the conversation.