Swift as a Coursing River | Ongoing

7. Deep dive

Edwin and Ellen finalise their divorce in the last week of August. The weather is rather gloomy for the time of the year and Edwin's mood is reflecting the weather. The next part of his journey has already started, but this is the end of another one. Ellen has been his travelling companion for decades, literally and figuratively, and now he's embarking on a ship to unknown shores and he's not sure yet who else will be on board and which familiar faces are leaving on different ships to other or the same shores and who will change their ship and destination in any of the ports they will pass.

Edwin wistfully remembers the places they have passed, the ports they have seen, their plans and memories that have both been changed by his discovery, as earth-shattering as the discovery of America. Not only has their future changed, but they will never be able to look back and see the past in the familiar light of knowing who they were, are, and will be.

As they're standing outside the courthouse, Edwin asks: "Do you want to go for a drink?" Now that they're not legally bound, they have space to grow closer again. That's what Edwin hopes, at least. They have talked, these past months, but they have also avoided each other, circling around anything meaningful, anything that would touch on emotional bruises.

Ellen takes a second. She has more grey streaks in her hair than half a year ago. It strikes Edwin how beautiful she is, but also how clearly he is not attracted to her. His appreciation is born from love, the familiarity of her wrinkles, a marriage that let him see everything she is.

"Sure," she answers. A warmth blossoms in Edwin that he has missed, in these months they saw each other but were never close. It's the first time since he came out to her that they seem friends again, and not just exes.

They enter the nearest coffee bar and seek out a secluded table.

"They have fair-trade coffee," Edwin says.

"Really?" Ellen takes out her reading glasses and leans over as Edwin shows her the menu.

"Do I order one for you?"

"Yes, please." She smiles at him. "And a piece of that chocolate cake!"

Edwin chuckles. "Of course." He gets up to order, but Ellen grabs his arm to straighten his sleeve. Even when she lets go, Edwin keeps looking at her for a second longer and he feels the phantom of her grip on his wrist.

He waits at the bar for their order but has to walk to their table twice because he can't hold the coffee, the tea and the piece of cake at once. When he sits down, Ellen asks, already stirring her coffee: "So, are we here for chitchat or do you have another announcement that will change my life?" Her smile softens the impact of her words.

Edwin shakes his head. "No announcements, but no chitchat either."

"So no pregnancies?"

Edwin chuckles and leans back while he steeps his tea sachet. "Not that I know. Though Sandra told me about her miscarriage."

"She did? When did she tell you?"

"End of July. She said you already knew."

"Yeah, she told me when it happened. You aren't ... angry you didn't know earlier, right?"

"That'd be very selfish of me. It's her decision, and she didn't trust me. But I understand it was difficult for her and she had trouble with my coming-out."

"Is she still acting like that? I told her she should talk to you, but you know her." Ellen sighs.

"We're fine. We've talked in July. And it was a change for her too, not just for us."

"But her life didn't change that much that she should avoid you. Lots of parents divorce. She's an adult! She knew you're not the villain. She hurt you."