Swift as a Coursing River | Ongoing

16. Familiar ground

It's a Saturday afternoon and Edwin came over early so he and Ellen could cook an elaborate dinner together. They're cleaning out a pumpkin and cutting vegetables for fresh soup, but that's just an excuse to hang out and catch up. It's a well-worn routine, warm and familiar, something they've kept up on occasional Saturdays even after he moved out. Edwin loves being here, in the house he's lived for 3 decades, with the woman he's known and loved even longer. It might be bittersweet now, but the bitterness is seeping out. And maybe it's okay, that bitter aftertaste. He's always liked grapefruit.

Edwin is grateful for their extra private time today, without Sandra or Tamara around to pounce on his every word. He'd asked Ellen on Wednesday if she had time for a long afternoon of cooking, so she probably suspects he wants to talk about something. He's always done better at emotional conversations when he had to devote half his brain to what his hands were doing. He thinks too much sometimes.

He's thought a lot this past week. About Vincent, and attraction, and how oblivious he can be about what he feels. It's such a mess of thoughts and feelings. If every thought or feeling was a tree, he'd be lost in the woods without a trail. It's hard to figure out where to even start.

"Did you hear that Clara and Johan have become grandparents?" Ellen asks.

"Oh, no, I didn't know. That's nice. Whose baby is it? Laura's?"

"Yeah. She married her boyfriend in June. You haven't kept up with any of our friends?"

"Ah, not really. They were always more your friends."

Ellen frowns and stops dicing. "Don't say that. They like you!"

"Yeah, but as your husband. Not as a friend in my own right. None of them reached out to me after the divorce. Except Caroline, but she was my friend before she was yours."

"Really? No one? I talked to all of them and they were very nice about it."

Edwin shrugs and dumps the contents of his cutting board in the big soup pot. "They're your friends. Of course they supported you. I'm not saying they are homophobic, just that they care more about you than me. But I've been making new friends of my own. Gay friends."

"Yeah, you told me. Is that still going well? They've been supporting you?"

Emotional support might not be the right word for Patrick and the other guys, but they've kept the loneliness at bay. Accepted and included him. Made him feel welcome, like he belonged and had friends he could fall back on. "Yeah, they're fine. Fun. It's nice to know they're like me. Not like Benjamin."

"Fuck Benjamin." Edwin laughs. Ellen doesn't swear often, but he loves her protective streak.

"I'm a little annoyed at the guys now," Ellen says. "They should have acted like proper friends. Or at least said something."

"It's okay. I know I'm the reason for the divorce and you needed the support more."

"Don't be like that. We were both hurting."

"I know, but ... I feel I really hurt you. I wish I didn't hurt you like that. Something that big. You're the most important person in my life, after Sandra and Tamara."

"Aw, Edwin." Ellen walks around the table to awkwardly hug him with her elbows, because her hands are wet and sticky from the vegetables. "I already cut the onions. Don't make me cry again. It's okay. I was hurt, but I hurt you too. I know you were hurt. You told me, and I was too hurt to listen to your hurt, to realise that you were hurting equally."

"I ... Yeah, but I understand. I'm not upset now."

"But you were. I acted as if you deliberately deceived me." You're such a good actor that I can't trust you any more.