To Suffer With

Chapter Twenty-One - Compromise

I had joined the resistance because I was alone. Because I had no one. Because I had nowhere to go. I dressed it up as some great story about how I did it to help people but that was a lie. I had just lost my family and the resistance offered me a new one. They also offered me an outlet for my anger. A target to blame for everything that had gone wrong in my life. So, I wouldn't have to blame myself. Wouldn't have to admit to myself that it was my fault that my mother was dead, that it was my fault I never got to say goodbye to my sister. That it was my fault that Jack and Kelsey were both either dead or about to die. Because I had failed at every turn. Maybe Roman was right, maybe if we all just lived perfectly within the system the wolves had created for us, well things would still suck but at least we'd be alive. But that wasn't what I wanted. Like everyone else who had joined the resistance I had always been prepared to die for the cause. I just wasn't prepared for anyone else to. I didn't want to be alone again and yet somehow that's exactly what I was. There was no going back to the resistance not unless I succeeded in my task and after Roman's behaviour there was no way he could ever replace what I had lost.

Wallowing in self-pity wasn't something I ever allowed myself to do. I was action-oriented but there was nothing left for me to do. Other than lay on this couch for a whole night and day reviewing every single choice I ever made to try and figure out which ones led me to somewhere other than here. I hurl a pillow across the room growling in frustration. I just wanted it to stop, so I didn't have to feel like this anymore.

The sky was darkening outside, and I dread the idea of another whole night stewing in this hurt and betrayal. I roll myself off the couch reluctantly, my muscles sore as I stretch them out. I step outside enjoying the cool evening air as it sent small shivers through me. I catch sight of a tall, large figure coming down the path and I tense terrified. Then I catch the golden shine from his head in the dying sunlight and I feel my body relax. I'd take Ryan over Roman any time.

I fall back onto my porch swing as he approaches bringing my legs up, so they rest on the edge of the wood, eyes studying Ryan over my knees.

He sends me a small wary smile once he is close enough that we are able to study each other.

"I don't want to talk about Roman," I say before he can get a word in. There could no be other reason that he was here. Probably hoping to somehow persuade me that Roman wasn't a monster. But of course, another wolf wouldn't be able to see it.

Ryan pauses his approach right before the steps of the cabin, purposefully not moving onto the steps before him. He considers me for a few moments before nodding, "I'm actually here to talk about Alpha Kane," he informs me.

I frown in confusion wondering why he'd bring him up.

"I just figured that Roman might not have told you some things about him that it might be in your interest to know," Ryan continues at my lack of response.

My frown deepens wondering what he could possibly mean. There was nothing that I wanted to know about Alpha Kane unless he was here to tell me he hadn't executed my friends.

"Go on," I mumble my curiosity getting the better of me.

"Alpha Kane is pretty sympathetic to humans that's why EFA is so big there. And while that sympathy doesn't extend to not executing resistance members, I hear there's a pretty decent wait time before it happens. In fact, last I heard Alpha Kane hadn't executed anybody in around ten years," Ryan explains.

I drop my legs leaning forward in response to his words, "Are you saying that he just says he's going to execute people and never does it?"

I could feel hope rising in me and I try and force it back down not ready to let it spread.