Waiting for yesterday UPDATED 이미 이루어졌다

구 chapter nine- understanding

"Withdrawal."

I'm lying down in a car, but it's not my car. I look across and see Matt and Ethan peering at me. The first thing I notice is that Ethan is holding a copy of his book. So he knows that I was reading his book. I couldn't possibly be more embarrassed. He probably thinks that I'm obsessed with him. Am I obsessed with him?
Matt is looking very concerned as he pronounces this diagnosis.

My mother looks worried too. They're all crowded into the car.

"Does she have to go to hospital?" Says mum.

"No," says Matt, who I see is still wearing his scrubs. It looks like he left his job to come and check up on me at mums request.

"It's just nicotine withdrawal."

"Are you trying to quit smoking again?" Says mum.

"I don't feel like I want a cigarette," I say.

"You're doing really well," says Matt. "I'm proud of you."

I don't like being praised when I haven't actually done anything but I guess I'll take it. Matt's lips are a tight thin line.

"I have to teach a student," I say.

"Surely you need to rest," says mum, surprising me. I thought she'd insist I go to work.

"Well it's probably good to keep distracted," says Matt. "I'll drive you to the office."

I look at Matt sheepishly. Even though I don't remember getting married or any of that because I literally came fast forward to the future— I am aware that in this universe, I am a married woman. And here I am reading Ethans book.
Not that a married woman shouldn't read a mans book. But if she knows the man personally, and has an emotional affair with him...

"Well let's go then," says Matt.

I don't say anything to Ethan, too embarrassed. I'm kind of hoping that I can just pretend that nothing happened. Ethan too looks a little embarrassed. I thought maybe he'd be smug and gloating, pleased that right before the high school reunion his old classmate was looking up how successful he was. But I notice he looks a little embarrassed.

"Well see you two at the reunion then," says Ethan. If something has transpired between Ethan and Matt neither of them show it. "Thanks for the haircut," says Ethan. Then he says, "wait I haven't paid."

"I don't actually work here anymore," I admit.

"Oh?" Ethan seems distracted, like he wasn't listening when I said earlier I had to teach a student.

"I don't work as a hairdresser," I admit.

He doesn't ask why I cut his hair then. Instead he just sort of mumbles and leaves for his car.

When Matt and I are in his car, dropping off my mum before heading to the coaching college office, nobody says anything.

Just as we pull up at the front door, mum says, "it's understandable that you feel nostalgic."

"Thanks mum," I say. I don't know how to tell her that what I'm feeling isn't nostalgia. All this literally happened to me yesterday. I was in high school yesterday. For them, ten years have passed so I guess I look like I haven't moved on. For me, no time at all has passed. I still have very strong feelings for Ethan and knowing that he's dated Jacinta and who knows who else is making my chest hurt. I can't describe it— it's like being one foot in the past and one foot in the future. The angles of Matt's face look more perfect to me now, especially his small arrogant eyes. He looks more attractive and kind of more of a player. I'm scared of Matt, I can't explain it. I feel like he's going to divorce me to teach me a lesson.