Waiting for yesterday UPDATED 이미 이루어졌다

싶 chapter ten- a rescue

He looks devastated, even I can tell that much. Is he jealous? What does he think happened between Ethan and I? All I did was give the guy a haircut. But when I think about the biblical Story of Samson and Delilah, and how she gave him a haircut and took away his strength, I realise the power of a haircut. Is it really such an intimate thing, to give another man a haircut?

I'm grateful that he isn't asking me further questions about why I was pretending to still be a hairdresser and why I was reading Ethans book. I guess he figured I'm just upset because I'm not successful in my career.

Looking at Matt's devastated face, I feel really bad. I knew heartbreak hurt, but does breaking someone else's heart hurt too? I notice then that he needs a haircut too. He's got what I can only describe as side burns. Or would you call them mutton chops? I reach over and touch his face, but he pulls away. His hand bumps into mine as he tries to push my hand away.

"Matt," I say. "Are you upset? I just gave Ethan a haircut, that's all. Nothing happened between us."

He ignores what I'm saying. "After you teach your student, I'll give up tips on how to fake being a psychiatrist for the night."

"I think you need a haircut too," I say, trying to appease him. "Maybe I could give you a haircut.

"I don't need a haircut!"

I have this—this flashback— of us in the hospital.

How long have you wanted to be a hairdresser?

His hair, it sticks up, like he has put product in it. My own hair, it sticks up, because I haven't washed it for days. We're sitting on opposite sides of the room. I can barely hold my head up. He looks so upright.

Matt, 기억해? 나, 리디아? (Do you remember me, Lydia?)

You're really sick, Lydia. We found you walking along the edge of a cliff.

의사로 말을하지마. 진구로서. (Don't talk as a doctor, talk as a friend). I don't want my dad to give birth to me, I mean father me. All I do is take pills and hurt him.

Because you're trying to perform. It's not your fault.

Now, he looks cold.
"I'll see you in an hour," he says stiffly and then practically shoves me out of the car door.

The student is waiting in an air conditioned room. When I enter, she looks sheepish. She's a girl aged around seventeen, with stick straight bangs. Her bangs have been dyed pink. She looks very trendy. I wouldn't have been allowed hair like that at my school. "Lydia, I have a confession," she says, half jokingly. "I may have looked you up on the internet."

"Just show me your work," I say.

"I didn't know that you knew Ethan Lee, the author! You went to high school with him!"

I frown. Im never going to be able to escape Ethan, am I?

"Are you L?" She asks then and i practically fall off my seat. "What?" I say. "Do you have the book?" She shows me on her phone. She shows me how she can look up the word "L" to find every mention of this person. I can't help it. I devour the sections in Ethans book about me.

It started when L, a classmate, made a joke that she would be happy to be forced into an arranged marriage with me. I hadn't realised that I was considered a catch until after that. I guess I can thank L for that awareness. Like the story with the girl with the dancing red shoes, I couldn't stop looking at myself. Not literally. It's not like I preened in front of the mirror. But I started to think that I was better than others. That's how I ended up upgrading to J, the white girl. At first, I was attracted to L. I'd never had a girl be so upfront and so forward, but having grown up rather shy, it made a huge difference. These days, I look back with so much regret. Why did I ''upgrade' to J? Why did L have to find out that id even used that word to describe what had happened, that I'd jokingly called her a downgrade.